After a nearly unbroken string of movies ranging from good to very good, the Heisei series of Godzilla films finally crashes to earth at the hands of a villain who, rather fittingly, hails from space.
Godzilla Vs. Spacegodzilla is such a nothing film it’s actually tough to think about what to write, it’s that bland. It doesn’t look particularly different to the majority of the previous 5 movies that it’s linked to – and yet it feels cheap. It doesn’t feel different to it’s predecessors either, with stakes both personal and global on the line – and yet it feels trite and nonessential.
Despite this, we do get treated to a variety in all of our monster characters with the dead-eyed Baby Godzilla have grown into the ridiculously cute, Disney-eyed Little Godzilla and a full fledged reboot of the drill-faced, battle platform known as Moguera, last seen in 1957’s The Mysterians. We even have a brand spanking new antagonist in the stunningly unoriginal named Spacegodzilla who comes with a vast array of special powers and a vaguely enigmatic origin story (cells from Godzilla carried into space by Biollante spores must have been sucked into a black hole and – hello? Hello? Are you still there?) but despite looking fairly impressive with his shoulder mounted crystals giving Joan Collins’ 80’s shoulder pads a run for their money, he’s actually quite dull and lacks personality. All show and no blow…
The plot is entry level Godzilla, barely even worth mentioning with the substandard “blah blah blah scientists, yadda yadda yadda monster, something something something fight” dragging it’s arse throughout the whole of it’s running time.
Even the fucking music is boring, forgoing the established themes for the most part and falling back on an ill-fitting, James Bondish themes (I swear the melody sounds like You Only Live Twice) which suck what little life the visuals have clean off it’s bones.
It’s such a shame because of how much successful work Godzilla Vs Mechagodzilla II put in to show how the Big G’s usual crush, kill, destroy attitude was being tempered by his biological pararenting instincts booting up but GVS-G chooses to simplify all that by the by-the-numbers plot of Spacegodzilla kidnapping Little Godzilla and daddy Godzilla going nuts (firstly, there was far too many Godzilla’s in that sentence and secondly why the hell would a giant monster want to kidnap ANYTHING? What fucking ransom could he possibly want?).
Frustratingly simple and unfathomable dull, GVS-G simply doesn’t cut the Heisei mustard.
Do not watch this space.