To state that Godzilla 2000 is something of a curious beast is something of an understatement even though we’re talking about a lizard so huge, he can dwarf Tom Cruise’s ego. Less a triumphant return to rubber-suited filmmaking for Toho studios, rather than it is a concerted effort to put some much needed legitimacy back into the Godzilla franchise, it seems to be a direct, cinematic statement in response to Roland Emmerich’s Americanized 1998 aberration. After killing Godzilla off in 1995s Godzilla Vs. Destoroyah, Toho, in a presumed attempt at damage control, felt the need to fast track the resurrection of the Big G, so, after a mere four years after his meltdown, Godzilla returned to stomp his way through Japan once more.
Boasting a trim new look, but still sporting his old, bad tempered, attitude and a gargantuan appetite for destruction, the real Godzilla one again rampages anew; but did his fast tracked return come at the cost of quality?
Regarded in Japan as a literal natural disaster, much like a tornado with a pulse or an earthquake with eyeballs, Godzilla once again makes landfall on the coast of Japan and starts doing what he does best.
However, every self respecting natural disaster needs a bunch of independently funded whackos who follow it around, trying to obtain data to help refine early warning systems, and Godzilla has the Godzilla Prediction Network; a threadbare operation run by the well meaning Yuji Shinoda and staffed by his precocious daughter, Io.
We meet these Godzilla chasers as they desperately try and stay barely one step ahead of the Kaiju’s most recent rampage with skittish photographer, Yuki Ichinose, in tow, but after narrowly escaping certain death with some desperate driving skills, Yuji may have made a breakthrough.
However, while he may have discovered the secret behind Godzilla’s regenerative properties, the boffins at Japan’s Crisis Control Intelligence have a whole new issue to deal with in the form of a massive, UFO that’s encased in rock and has risen from the bottom of the ocean and seems to be making a beeline toward Godzilla with the aim of screwing around with his DNA for nefarious purposes and doesn’t even plan on buying him a drink first.
It’ll have to wait in line, however, because the military is lining up to take a crack at the King of The Monsters with their brand spanking new super artillery that’s designed specifically go through Godzilla’s hide like *checks notes* crap through a goose. But while Yuji feuds with Mitsuo Katagiri, the sinister, Godzilla-hating head of CCI, the UFO, with the help of the Kaiju’s regenerative DNA, reforms itself into the mutated Orga, a creature who wants to consume Godzilla and his biological makeup whole like a snake choking down its dinner.
If it sounds from the synopsis above that Godzilla 2000’s plotting is a little haphazard, you’d be absolutely right as the whole movie positively reeks of Toho hurriedly clambering to nullify the U.S. remake as quick as they can. How true this ultimately was is debatable, but what isn’t is that the separate plot strands barely cling on to each other by their fingernails as every contrivance is cleared up by having something fight something else, whereas the human characters are only present to either escape crumbling buildings or simply by staring, pointing and swarming out scientific exposition. It’s a strange way to kick off a whole new era for Godzilla, especially when the previous starting points – Godzilla and Return Of Godzilla – were both stripped back disaster movies that plainly cast the Kaiju as an out and out villain. Here, however, the waters here are muddied by the additional subplot of an ancient unidentified flying object rising from the sea to start some shit and then transform into an enemy monster just in time for a final reel ruck.
For an opening gambit to relaunch an entire franchise, the movie hardly comes armed with an airtight script, however, it’s a good job then that Godzilla 2000, despite of it’s obvious flaws and obvious lack of focus, is so incredibly and endearingly cheesy. And we’re not talking the cheap stuff either, as the filmmakers smear that creamy, dairy goodness on thick, making an incredibly basic monster movie chug along nicely with barely a brain in it’s head. The plot is so slight, it could be charitably described as anaemic and yet it still manages to create memorable images seemingly out of thin air – the moment where the shifty head of CCI stares down his scaley nemesis and screams “GODZILLAAAAAAAAAA!!!” directly into the Kaiju’s face as it obliterates the building he’s standing is on is beautifully ridiculous.
Another plus point is Godzilla’s new look which is leaner, overtly more reptilian and drops those disturbing thic, sumo wrestler thighs while retaining his utter disregard for anyone’s puny interpretation of right and wrong except his own.
Also helping the threadbare plot entertain is the obligatory final reel fight that hurriedly shoves a new monster, Orga, into the spotlight with barely any introduction at all and trashed everything in sight. While Orga is hardly in the same class as a King Ghidorah or even a Gigan, he has enough tricks up his huge sleeves (shoulder lasers, an unhinging jaw and hands so massive he’d make a magnificent Kaiju goalkeeper) to provide a decent struggle before Godzilla scores the kill shot.
Another aspect that’s weirdly endearing is how obviously shonky some of the visual effects are despite trying to bring Godzilla into the digital age. While being cutting edge compared to, say, Godzilla Vs Megalon, the movie cuts down on vast, miniaturized, model sets by compositing Godzilla directly into actual footage of Shinjuku, but while this is a film made in the same year as The Matrix and The Phantom Menace for God’s sake, things hardly look photo real. I’m not expecting a fully CGI, photo-real, swimming Godzilla to be the level of Jurassic Park (and boy, do I not get it), but I suppose this was really the best they could do with the resources available. And yet, shots of Godzilla crudely superimposed alongside real tanks with actual people in the foreground somehow actually adds to the cheesy charm.
In fact, he final shot of Godzilla 2000 crystallizes the experience of watching the film perfectly. While the surviving characters openly wonder why Godzilla keeps alternating between flattening real estate and saving them from evil marauders, the colossal bastard turns to spectacularly set a third of the city ablaze merely in order for a cool image for the credits to roll over. Simply put, Godzilla 2000 may be as thin as a sheet of paper, but it knows how to bust out the goofs when it needs too.
Impressively stupid, yet stupidly impressive.
🌟🌟🌟
We Have Issues 
One comment