Godzilla Vs. Megalon (1973) – Review

By the time Godzilla and the rest of his monstrous, cinematic ilk had loped to 1973, quality wasn’t really that much of a requirement. TV had stolen the spotlight from big screen monster-based adventures and shows like Ultraman was achieving what the movies offered at a fraction of the price and not even the King Of The Monsters could hope to compete. Budgets were slashed, corners were cut and never is this more evident than in Godzilla Vs. Megalon, the arguable nadir of The Big G’s cash-strapped days.
A returning Jun Fukuda, no stranger to pinching a few pennies after the recycling maelstrom that was Godzilla Vs. Gigan, had to somehow bolt together another adventure the best he could despite seemingly ridiculous odds. Not only would he have to pull every shifty trick out of the book to give fans the extravaganza they expected from a Godzilla release, but he no longer had veteran suit performer, Haruo Nakajima, to portray the King of the Monsters. Never mind the presence of Megalon, Godzilla’s biggest foe was now apathy.

Even by early 1970’s standards, Godzilla Vs. Megalon boasts a story that is poorly plotted Kiaju shit – the toga wearing, hairy shouldered leader of the subterranean race known as Seatopia is pissed at us land dwellers because of reasons involving nuclear tests (or something), so they launch a campaign that seems needlessly complicated for it’s own good. Targeting local inventor, Goro Ibuki, his little brother Rokuro and Goro’s ever present and noticably dashing buddy, Hiroshi Jinkawa, his Seatopian agents  break into their apartment in order to steal his greatest creation, Jet Jaguar, a day-glow robot who only accepts simple orders and has the regrettable facial expression of a leering sex pest.
Despite being incredibly shit, the two agents of Seatopia actually succeed and Jet Jaguar is thus enlisted to guide the recently surfaced Megalon – a giant, excitable, god-bug with drill-bit arms – to the nearest city so he can wreak a most terrible instance of tit-for-tat. While you openly wonder why Megalon is the first Kaiju to need a chaperone, he unleashes his most devestating weapon – stock footage of exploding buildings from previous movies – and mercilessly trains it on Japan. It’s down to Goro, his excruciatingly irritating sibling and his roll-necked hetero life-mate to reverse Jet Jaguar’s reprogramming so he can alert Godzilla about the ensuing fuckery. However, after Jet Jaguar suddenly grows to gargantuan size, to battle against the marauding cockroach, the Seatopians call in a solid from the cockroach people of Space Hunter Nebula M and get them to loan them the fowl-shaped cyborg Gigan to take this robot upstart to school. However, as always, Godzilla arrives to take care of business in his own inimitable style. And drop kicks.

Compared to the glory days of Ishiro Honda, Godzilla Vs. Megalon really is bottom of the barrel stuff. Harsh cost cutting has produced a film so devoid of creativity that not only does it barely contains six speaking roles in the entire running time and a Japan that seems eerily deserted (Was this film shot entirely at three in the morning or something?), but the endless stock footage utilised here is now so hopelessly old, Megalon seems to be destroying a Japanese skyline that’s least a decade out of date. Even outtakes, it seems, are deployed to pad out the suspiciously lean runtime as new Godzilla suit performer, Shinji Takagi, is, at one point, quite clearly on fire.
Elsewhere, the movie takes its goofy tone into strange and illogical places as it assaults you relentlessly with directorial and story choices that are just so distractingly odd – even for a Japanese monster movie. What the hell is the ungodly and lethal looking boat-like contraption that Goro has let his kid brother try out on the lake? What is the deal with the Bert and Ernie relationship between Goro and his “friend”, Hiroshi? Why would an undersea nation worship a giant beetle? What chance do the two Seatopian agents have to complete their mission when one of them is easily over powered by the two skinny delivery men they’ve hired and why do they own guns that shoot sleeping gas? The lunacy is unending as the eyeball searing 70s decor and groovy score makes everything into a living cartoon before your very eyes.

Audiences stayed away in droves, but in a bizarre turn of events, much like Godzilla Vs. Gigan before it, the film was something of a success when it showed up on syndicated television in the US and became the perfect viewing for overly stimulated children or lovers of Mystery Science Theatre 3000. It’s here that we finally find the worth in such a threadbare production because even though serious moviegoers gave it a hard pass, kids and stoners lap that shit up like nobody’s business. In fact, for best results, I’d actually strongly recommend that you watch the utterly fucking bonkers English dub version in order to make the film confidently stride into so-bad-it’s-good infamy with an extra special nod to whatever personal issues caused the voice over of Rokuro to be so deliriously unhinged (“Holy Shit, Jet Jaguar!”).
Speaking of Jet Jaguar, never has an attempt to push a new character ended with such an ignoble defeat as the gurning automaton ultimately went on to live a life away from the glitzy lights of showbiz until his recent return in comics and animated series, but seeing as his chief foe is a grenade spitting beetle with the demeanor of a hyper active toddler, I guess he didn’t have all that much to work with. However, the result of Toho’s desperate attempt to create a character who could rival such TV stars like Ultraman and Kamen Rider, is that Godzilla ends up being a supporting player in his own film.
Still, when enjoyed as the childish, campy nonsense it obviously is, the climactic skirmish is goofy fun with Godzilla employing a succession of physics defying long range dropkicks thanks to a black belt in wire-fu and Gigan and Megalon enjoying the devastation they’re causing like a couple of overexcited frat boys.

As overwhelmingly camp as the series ever got, Godzilla Vs. Megalon may be something of a thrift store dumpster fire when stacked up to the seriousness of Godzilla’s debut or his sci-fi romps of the 60s – and yet thanks to the ensuing culture of worshiping bad movies, it’s achieved a second life of loving mockery and knowing ridicule.
So, in the words of Jet Jaguar’s bewilderingly obnoxious theme song “PUNCH, PUNCH, PUNCH!!!” – because Kaiju purists lacking a sense of humor will definitely want to fucking hit something after watching this.

🌟🌟