Top 5 Times The Fast And Furious Saga Gave Reality The Middle Finger Part 1: The Action

So before any of you get worked up with indignant rage that little old me is unfairly picking on a global, multibillion dollar phenomenon, let me assure you, I love these movies. They’ve always been fun, but from the fifth installment onwards the series’ already shakey grip on reality has loosened with each subsequent movie until this gang of street thieves turned international spies (who are also all millionaires by the way) regularly break the rules of nature more than they do traffic laws. So with the nitrous switch flipped on F9: The Fast And Furious Saga, it won’t be long until it roars into cinemas only to pull a fucking sexy handbrake turn – but with a trailer that boasts more outlandish bullshit than ever before (rocket car, Tarzan car and Han somehow ain’t dead), now’s as better time than any to revisit the most insulting, far fetched bollocks this franchise has ever expected us to swallow.
And no, the scene in Fast 5 where they drag the safe around isn’t in here because it’s amazing and it’s beautiful and I won’t hear a word said about it…

5) The Eternal Runway (Fast And Furious 6)

Just like a good porno, we start with a climax and the big finish of the sixth entry into the franchise saw and extended chase as our heroes – in cars, naturally – strive to keep a massive Antonov AN-225 (that’s a big plane to me and you) from taking off by harpooning it and using their vehicles to weigh it down while numerous characters leap on and off of said plane to fight the bad guys on board. If this sounds like a lot to get done on just a single strip of runway where the plane has long since finished it’s taxi and it’s doing that thrust bit that always makes my tummy go over, then you haven’t reckoned on the length of this thing, my friend. As the sequence goes on (and on) while claiming the life of Gal Godot and a good chunk of Luke Evans good looks, the runway dutifully keeps going with seemingly no end in sight and ling after you first turned the the person you’re with a questioned: “Are they serious? How fucking long is this thing?”. The answer, calculated by people must more smarter (and bored) than me is that this strip of concrete is a staggering 26 miles long. Which is about 8 miles shorter than the libe of cocaine you’d need to cook up this sequence in the first place…

4) Putting The Muscle Into Muscle Car (The Fate Of The Furious – 2017)

Apparently gone rogue thanks to the machinations of a dreadlocked Charlize Theron, Dom has finally been cornered by his former team mates who use their car mounted harpoons (again with the harpoons…) to lock his beast of a car in place. However, Dom’s 1971 Plymouth GTX isn’t exactly your average muscle car that’s been tricked out by spies. No – boasting more horsepower than the fucking batmobile and the Thundertank combined, he uses his car to deliver a patented Vin Diesel bitch slap on all of his teammates vehicles, flipping them like flashily dressed tiddlywinks. The tyres on the bloody thing must have a grip on them like Spider-Man having a panic attack and it must weigh more than one of Godzilla’s turds if the accumulated torque of five other cars (five and a half if you count the weight of Dwayne Johnson…) can’t even budge big Dom.

3) Kobe! (Furious 7 – 2015)

One of the main reasons that the climatic safe chase and the earlier car surf off the cliff from Fast 5 not to mention the awesome jail break from part 8 hasn’t been included here is that the scenes are shot and executed so well your brain actually wants to believe they could actually happen, whereas the crimes against reality featured here manage to pull you out of the movie because of how admirably brazen they are in their defiance of common sense. One such prime example comes at the end of Furious 7 where after defeating the vengeful Deckard Shaw in a wrench fight (just go with it), Dom still has to take out drone owning warlord Jakande. Driving right at the villain’s helicopter as the parking structure he’s in collapses like a giant house of cars, he hits his nitro and jumps his car in a testosterone fueled homage of the fourth Die Hard movie – only to miss and crash spectacularly. But wait, he’s only gone and somehow dunked a bag of explosives on the chopper as he flew past like a suicidal Harlem Globetrotter that the mountainous Hobbs promptly shoots thus callously stealing from Dom’s baddie killing tally. Yes, the scene isn’t anywhere near as ludicrously deranged as the Dubai jump or the parachuting cars, but at least those two moments are startlingly original. There’s something about defeating a big bad by simple doing a jump that seems just as lazy as it is scoff inducingly spectacular. Bending the rules of physics has never felt so ordinary.

2) Oh Yeah, Cars Are Totally Fire Proof (The Fate Of The Furious – 2017)

Narrowly missing out on the top spot, this far fetched moment actually had me yelling “Oh, fuck off!” directly at the cinema screen the first time I saw it. Having the brass balls to assume that the audience has no idea how fire works, this stunningly outlandish moment sees the gang successfully vanquish a fucking submarine by having Dom sneakily luring it’s heat seeking missiles back to their source by getting them to follow the searing glow of his ego (I’m joking, it’s obviously his rocket exhaust). After jumping the submarine and thus scoring a direct hit with his borrowed WMD the submarine goes up like a leaky oil refinery and Toretto has to bail from his car mid fiery crash to lay on the ice too stunned to even mumble something unintelligible about family before the sub desides to explode again, which sends a massive, purifying ball of fire directly at him – only for his whole team to all drive their cars between him to shield him from the hot, orange ball of near-death. Not only are our heroes (and apparently the filmmakers too) blissfully unaware that fire can go round things, no one is instantly flash fried like they’re in one of Sarah Connor’s nightmares leaving everyone to happily walk away from a scorch mark that can be seen from space…

1) The Turbo Assisted Spear Of Life (Fast And Furious 6 – 2013)

Or as I like to call it – My Personal Favourite…
Picture the scene, the gang have managed to survive a tank that’s been tearing up a freeway while an amnesiac Letty wrestles with her conscience due to the fact that a gravelly voiced bald dude keeps insisting that they’re an item at the top of his lungs. However, a Final Destination style string of events has left the tank about to get yanks to an abrupt stop with Letty still on it and so after Dom calculates all the complex data involving timing, wind speed, velocity, mass and any other variable that could occur in a micro second, he does what any one of us would do in that situation. Hopping aboard the hood of the very speeding car he’s currently driving he drives his vehicle directly into the guard rail, catapulting himself into space the exact moment the tank sends Letty hurtling off toward oblivion. Hitting her midsection with the speed of a tomahawk missile with a shoulder we’ve seen shatter concrete, somehow this massive, airborne clutch of pure gristle doesn’t utterly liquify Letty’s body immediately and they both sail through air to land safely on the softest cushion there is – the windscreen of another car… Consider Fast And Furious’ perfectly sculpted anus well and truly kissed by Einstein, Newton and many others whose life’s work has regularly been thwarted by this unstoppable film saga.

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