You like Aliens, right? How about Predator, you like Predator too, yes? And Terminator? Of course you like The Terminator, I mean who doesn’t?
I strongly suspect that this might have been the entire pitch for new sci-fi blast-a-thon, Osiris, that seems to have been willed into being solely by the fact thst both the Alien and Predator franchises have suddenly both sprang back to life of the last few years and if Hollywood loves to do anything, it’s to rip off James Cameron, Ridley Scott, John McTiernen or, most preferably, all three. However, while my cynicism of movies trying to ride on the coat tails of various alien species grew exponentially during the 80s, I have to admit, there’s something strangely reassuring that people are still trying to ape these flicks after all these years. But, will those warm feelings still linger in my tummy after I actually watch a film that seems to have precious little ideas of its own.
In a remote desert region in Uzbekistan, we join a nighttime military operation where a U.S. Special Forces soon finds themselves overrun by enemy combatants, but after a lengthy gun battle fails to help them escape their pursuers, the experience a classic frying pan/fire scenario when the heavens suddenly open up and a strange devise zaps the team into unconsciousness.
They awake in translucent looking stasis pods with searing nightmares still bouncing around their heads of traumatic experiences with an inhuman foe, but as their facilities start to return, the team start to realise that the shot they’re now in could be deeper than ever before. Lead by your standard, gruff, tough guy, Kelly, the group find that they’re now within a rusted, dimly lit, maze-like spacecraft with no idea if they’re even still on earth or not. Weirder yet, they find all their gear and weapons fully loaded and stored near their pods and some of them now have weird, inexplicable knowledge concerning their alien captors. One guy can read their language, another can get their guns to work while another still is familiar with their infrastructure, but before they can work out what this all means, they’re set upon by the eyeless, hulking, sharp-toothed crew of the ship.
Bullets and lasers fly repeatedly and in the numerous running gun battles with a seemingly endless alien horde, yet more backstory comes from a captive Russian girl by the name of Ravi. It seems that these aliens are harvesting humans in their multitudes in order to ship them out as yummy snacks for their burly species, but matters get even more distressing when they run into Anya, Ravi’s grizzled mother, who throws a spanner into their perceived timeliness when she reveals that she’s been on board fighting these things for over twenty years. Lost in space and hunted by a hungry extraterrestrial crew, Kelly’s heroes had better brush up on their alien smashing skills before they become a quick snack for the road.
I’m a little confused with my feelings about Osiris. Usually, when I’m presented with a film as staggeringly unoriginal as this, my normal reaction is to roll my eyes every time the movie shamelessly pilfers yet another plot point from a far better movie. However, having grown up during such times where most Alien cash-ins looked like they were cafted by people who had never made a film before, I was presently surprised by how good Osiris looks. I mean, there’s some desperate (but necessary) penny pinching going on for sure as the film’s reluctance to go outside seems less like an attempt to create a Ridley Scott sense of claustrophobia and more like a version of 2010’s Predators where everyone has agoraphobia. But alongside obvious nods to the Xenomorph and the Yautja, Osiris also dredges up fresh memories of everything from the Skyline sequels to Peter Jackson’s Bad Taste thanks to being presenting with waves of near-suicidal aliens with a taste for human flesh.
But maybe I’m starting to get a little soft in my old age – because for all of its remorseless recycling, the fact that director William Kaufman is adamant that as much of this film is done practically manages to atone for a lot of sins. The eyeless aliens make up for their evident lack of peepers with snarling mouths and huge flaring nostrils that take up most of their face while making them vaguely look like the villains from Galaxy Quest, and I’m reminded of a similar setup in the form of last year’s werewolves – another scrappy genre film that won me over by having dudes run about in hand crafted monster suits. Kaufman is hardly a household name despite helping a ton of DTV action schlock (including The Marine 4), but he proves to be quite talented at staging extended military shoot outs and more headshots than a screening of The Departed stuck on repeat. However, with a lot of the shootouts becoming a little too repetitive and thus creating a thoroughly unnecessary 105 minute runtime (surely a crisper 90 minutes would have been perfect), it unfortunately becomes too difficult to grant it anymore goodwill than I already have.
But wait – as I say that, something rather magical happens as my earlier allusions to The Terminator makes itself known and Linda Hamilton suddenly enters the movie as a leathery, human freedom fighter who not only kicks reassuring ass, but also adds a layer of legitimacy that carries you through to the slightly confused ending. She isn’t in the film for that long, but she’s far more memorable than most of the other cast (including the delightfully named Max Martini) who may fulfill the action brief nicely, but all blend into the background a little when it comes to standing out from other, sci-fi marines. Some act like Michael Biehn, others act like one of the crew from Predator and at least one person acts like Bill Paxton; but while there are a few cool moments here and there (one guy breaking up the tension of his possible suicide mission by singing the intro of California Love by Tupac is truly marvelous), they can’t seem to seperate themselves from the decades worth of alien fighting grunts that’s come before them.
Some will understandibly instantly write Osiris off due to its inclination to borrow pre-existing plots and refuse to do anything particularly new with them, however, the inclusion of Linda Hamilton (and to a slightly lesser extent, Deadpool’s Brianna Hildebrand) and the film’s admirable devotion to practical effects manages to just help the movie keep its head above water as the repetitive (if fast paced) action and predictable characters threaten to pull it down into the dark.
It won’t change your life – fuck, it’ll barely change your day – but I can’t help by salute a low budget, direct to streaming, Alien/Predator ripoff that still values old school filmmaking and tangible monster suits over cheap looking CGI. Am I doing myself a disservice by forgiving possibly the most derivative plot you’ll see all year? Almost certainly, but compared to the type of cash-in shit I had to wade through in my youth, Osiris frantically shoots for the stars – and everything else in sight.
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