When word recently broke that Paul Rudd and Jack Black were starring in a bizarre, meta, comedy version of the 90s, cult, creature feature, Anaconda, a surprising amount of Anaconda purists and defenders slithered out of the woodwork to hiss foul that their beloved favorite was getting such snarky treatment. However, anyone who truly knows the Anaconda timeline would already be aware that the franchise already has had the piss ripped out of it by a series of DTV sequels that not only saw gargantuan serpents clash with David Hasselhoff, but also the crocodiles from Lake Placid. However, if we were to burrow even deeper, we’d find that the upcoming Rudd/Black comedy isn’t even the first, radically-minded remake, because only last year, the Chinese gave us their own re-imagining of a movie that famously featured the titular creature vomiting up a partially digested Jon Voight. Can this version put some respect back on the name of the Anaconda franchise (assuming it ever had any), or will this Asian attempt simply hiss us off even more?
I guess that wherever you find giant, oversized snakes, you’re bound to find some sort of unhinged, amoral poacher running around trying to make his fortune by killing one. In this instance, we find Jeff, an eye twitchy lunatic who isn’t above beheading a guide who tries to up his fee and leaving his comrades to die a horrible, snakey fate. But while his latest attempt to bag a massive reptile, he manages to score a bit of luck when he comes across the members of a stuggling Chinese circus as they boat through Taiwan to get to a show that might turn their fortunes around.
However, unbeknownst to the motley troupe, their boss is something of a piece of shit himself who not only is lying about a career renaissance but actually intends to sell them all to organ harvesters to recoup his losses. Whichever way their trip turns out, the group seem to be utterly fucked, but ultimately choose the slightly less dangerous option of stalking through a jungle that’s full to the brim with human gobbling snakes in order to track down the biggest of the lot. It also doesn’t help that Jeff is more than willing the sacrifice and murder the whole lot of them in order to lead the big mama snake into his latest, surprisingly shit, trap (A net, dude? Really?). Of course, when the Crimson Anaconda finally shows its scaly face, snake shit really hits the fan.
As chaos reigns and various colleagues quickly become snake chow, can the gutsy Lan manage to avoid countless anaconda lunches and the latest attempt from Jeff to make her and her friends bait to live in a world where her organs won’t be sold for money?
Surely if anything trumps the weirdness of having your film remade as a straight up comedy with Paul Rudd and Jack Black, it’s having it randomly remade by China completely out of the fucking blue – but surely the strangest thing about all of this is that it’s Anaconda of all movies that’s garnered such attention. Now, don’t get me wrong, the 1997 original that saw J Lo and Ice Cube try to survive twin assault from a giant snake and some stunning overacting by Jon Voight, is a prime example of campy 90s cheese, but I’m not sure why exactly we’re getting two vastly different reboots from two completely different countries. Anyway, that’s enough press about a killer snake movie remake that isn’t even out yet, let’s focus on the killer snake movie remake that is, and even though Anaconda, aka. Hundred Poisons Rampage, aka. Anaconda: Cursed Jungle, is a competent animal attack flick, there’s just too many issues plaguing the film to make an easy thing to swallow.
For a start, there’s a strange sense that despite a rather enticing set up, the movie seems to have no idea how to implement them into it’s own story which leads to some rather entertaining and original possibilities being completely wasted. For example, a rather sizable part on the plot hinges on the protagonists being a failing group of circus performers who find themselves on the menu after their shifty manager gets them on a boat to short cut their way through the jungle to make an appointment. Now, that’s quite a noticable detail to include about your main clutch of characters, but at no real point does the employment of these people end up actually influencing the film. Not only was I genuinely unsure what the talent of each character ultimately was, but they don’t even use any of these attributes when it comes to fending off the anacondas and the murderous endeavours of Jeff. Imagine someone using their skills as an acrobat to outmanuver a lithe predator, or a knife thrower hurling blades with unwavering accuracy – well, you’d best continue imagining it, because directors Xiang Qiuiang and Xiang Hesheng seem to not realise that they had quite a cool concept in their hands.
Elsewhere, the film follows the bare bones basics of the original fairly closely. There’s a boat, a river, a jungle, a main female protagonist who can keep her head together when everyone around her is getting “nomed” to death – and of course there’s a deranged snake hunter looking to sacrifice anyone he can in order to bring home his oversized prize. However, there’s a very real feeling that the whole reason this film was made so the directors could replay that infamous moment where the snake vomits up its most recent meal for a great shock moment. Unfortunately, they seem to be so enamoured of the moment, they replay it like, three or four times with the first occurring barely ten minutes into the film. By the time the last anaconda has has its show off-y case of gastric distress, the moment has completely lost all meaning.
Still, there’s still some good shit. The snakes themselves may feature a varying quality of CGI, but it still knocks the socks clean off the type of visual effects we’ve seen in the last couple of Anaconda sequels, with the eponymous hissers pulling some cool poses right before they crack some bones. There’s the odd shining moment too, with one moment seeing the Crimson Anaconda tormenting a trapped victim by flicking it’s tongue through the cracks of the barrier and Terrence Yin gives good, twitchy maniac as Jeff; although I’d say that using a big net to catch something that doesn’t have arms or legs probably isn’t the wisest move for a seasoned snake hunter.
The Anaconda franchise has seen far worse actions carried out under its name in the past, but aside from adding a fair amount of Chinese culture to proceedings (one victim is dressed like the hopping vampires from folklore), I’m not entirely sure what anyone hoped to gain by reimagining such a random choice – I don’t know, maybe China just fucking loves Anaconda. However, there’s a fitting Chinese idiom that reads “to draw a snake and add legs”, which means doing something unnecessary that ruins a perfect thing. While I’d hardly describe the 90s Anaconda as a perfect thing, expect the odd limb to be added…
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