While it’s been widely recognised that HBO’s Tales From The Crypt helped bring more tangible, graphic and noticably wetter violence to the small screen than regular TV could ever allow, the fact that the show appeared on cable also meant that the stories presented to us by the Crypt Keeper could also be noticably spicier too. As a result, Fright Night and Child’s Play’s Tom Holland gave us Lover Come Hack To Me, a far more sexualised installment than the usual procession of axe murderers and karmic Uno reverse cards the series offers up. Also adding to the mix is the fact that with Holland, the show finally saw a director enter the fray that had an actually legitimate career in the horror genre (Richard Donner had only made The Omen in comparison); but could the man who helped bring Chucky to the screen serve up a steamier Tale than even the Crypt Keeper was used to? Prepare to witness a pair of newlyweds who are about to discover how messy the wedding night can really get.
To look at the newly wed couple of Peggy and Charles, you might be forgiven for thinking that one of them could probably do better. For a start, Charles is confident, good looking and has fabulous, Fabio-style locks, but in comparison his new bride is mousy, meek and constantly carries herself as if she’s just been yelled at. However, as they hop in a car to head off for their honeymoon, it soon becomes apparent that there’s something shifty going on. For a start, Peggy’s Aunt Edith is vehemently against this union and openly suggests that Charles is only interested in his plain beau because he has one opportunistic eye on her late mother’s sizable inheritance – something which is soon confirmed when we see how quickly he gets frustrated with the timid, little woman.
However, his plan to murder her and pass it off as a robbery gone wrong instantly hits a snag when a furious storm brings down a tree on a secluded road causing them to take refuge in what looks like an abandoned house. However, while Charles tries to reconfigure his plan to fit the new circumstances, he notices a few noticable changes in his wife that catches him off guard. The first is that she seems so desperate to lose her virginity in a perfect moment, neither of them thinks to question the freshly made bed, fresh candles and stacked pre-prepared fireplace that await them in a supposedly deserted abode, but the second is with the prospect of sex on the cards, the flinching Peggy suddenly turns into a wildcat on heat, breaking out makeup and a revealing teddy to seal the deal.
But after the deed is done, Charles witnesses what seems to be Peggy having sex with another man downstairs before murdering him with a giant axe. Understandably shocked, Charles is even more stunned to discover that he’s witnessed a ghostly apparition of what occurred during Peggy’s conception and soon he realises that he’s become part of a twisted family tradition that’s been passed down from mother to daughter.
While there’s nothing overly wrong with Lover Come Hack To Me, I couldn’t help get the feeling that despite many good points, this is the least effective Tales From The Crypt to date. While the other installments leant into the more pulpy, camp aspects of their plots to deliver quite over the top experiences, Holland – working from a script by Michael (Beetlejuice) McDowell – instead offers up something a bit more deliberately paced. It’s got a good, solid (if basic) story to work from and it features Pulp Fiction’s Amanda Plummer in a role that allows her to fully take advantage of the two major speeds of her particular acting shtick (timidly childlike and utterly fucking deranged). However, if I’ve got to pick holes in the episode, it ultimately is a bit tad too predictable considering some of the wild rides the show’s given us thus far.
Now, I know what you’re thinking – just how unpredictable can a Tales From The Crypt be when we all know that the murderous, con artist, gold digger always bites it in the end? – but with the previous episodes, while the irony-laced ending is almost always a foregone conclusion, it’s the path that we take to get there is what adds that secret sauce and aside from some TV baiting sex scenes (pretty tame now), the path here is fairly cut and dry. It doesn’t help that a lot of that journey to irony-ville is taken up with Plummer and nicely douchey Stephen Shellen wandering round a dark house in almost real time, marvelling at how it almost looks like the place has been laid out just for them (funny that). Maybe if we didn’t already know the Charles is a card carrying POS, there’d be more tension, but at times it really does seem that someone’s seen how much creative freedom Tales was getting awarded and figured “hmmm, we’ve got the gore covered, so let’s make one with some humping instead”.
None of this falls on Plummer and Shellen, but there’s a sense that proceedings are missing that pop that Tom Holland brought to his other horror output. Maybe the story itself needed a bit more razzle dazzle rather just the prospect of characters making the beast with two backs, maybe a less subtle approach might have brought it in line with other, more energetic episodes, bit it almost seems as if Holland’s horror credentials have actually counted against him as the other filmmakers have rocked up to have fun, while he’s remained a bit more slavlish to a more predictable experience.
Still, that doesn’t mean that when it comes time for Lover Come Hack To Me to ultimately deliver the goods and deliver the expected rug pull, it fumbles the ball and the expected denouement proves to be worth the wait. I mean, it’s not everyday that you witness Amanda Plummer going full nutjob while wearing the tiniest amount of lingerie imaginable and carrying an absurdly big axe. Also amusing is the emotional rollercoaster that the doomed Charlie embarks on before his choppy demise that sees him first be taken aback that his virginal bride can fuck like a pro (it’s always the quiet ones) and then be genuinely hurt when his supernatural experience allows him to mistakenly believe that she’s cheated on him. However, when the true realisation dawns on him just how fucked he truly is, and just how much Peggy truly responds to his “love”, he finds he’s trapped between a rock and a hard place when trying to explain his murderous plan as proof that he and his wife don’t actually have that perfect love she’s looking for means he’s probably fucked either way.
While Lover Come Hack To Me may arguably be the least of the show’s offerings to date so far, it still capably fills the typical Tales Of The Crypt brief even if you’ve spotted the ending a mile off. It’s just a shame that a horror stalwart such as Holland couldn’t find a more interesting angle or fun tone while some of the other directors are producing far wilder stuff on their first time out.
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