Usually when a series gets to its third season, it’s managed to iron out all those kinks and teething problems that tend to dog earlier seasons. While your premier season lays out the basic premise of your show, a sophomore season tends to give the concept a vigorous stress test in order for a third season to properly benefit from any mistakes made.
If there were any major issues with Tales From The Crypt as it ended it’s eighteen episode run, it’s that despite containing many legitimately magnificent examples of horror television, it frequently fell back on more thriller-based episodes that frustratingly would break the flow of crazy. However, as we plough into the first of three episodes that make up the season premiere, we find that the Crypt Keeper’s latest batch of tales could use something of an airing out – you see, episode 1 turns out to be rather stale…
Aspiring screenwriter wannabe and dorky dreamer, Edward Foster is trying to hammer out a script that’ll finally bring him the fame and adulation he feels he deserves, but he gets an added blast of inspiration when he meets Miranda Singer. Singer is an actress who seems to be willing to do anything to accumulate the wealth and glamor that a big role could bring, but while Edward instantly falls head over heels in love, he proves to be beneath the notice of the status-hungry starlet.
As Edward finds that his repeated acts of romance backfire horribly, he’s approached by his building’s notoriously reclusive landlord, Mr. Stronham who offers him a chance to score the woman of his dreams. Sneering through clouds of cigarette smoke, the pale man proves to be something of a misogynist and offers Edward a special love potion that’ll make the object of his affections adore him instantly. As the feckless screenwriter has all the spine of a pulped jellyfish, he talks his way into Miranda’s apartment and spikes her drink after suggesting a toast and moments after investing the potion, falls madly in love with him.
Of course, we’ve dealt with love potions on Tales From The Crypt before and they never seem to go quite right. While Edward now finally has Miranda all to himself, her violently increased libido and her insistence on never leaving his side soon wears him down until he’s a fucked-out wreck. Going back to Mr. Stronham for advice, the lecherous landlord advises that the only way out for Edward is to poison his obsessed lady-love, but after a little snafu with the wine glasses, it turns out Edward gulps down the lethal concoction instead.
Still, being dead comes with its perks and at least he’ll finally get some alone time in the afterlife, right? Wrong – because it seems that a lovesick Miranda has followed him in death, and now they’ll have all of eternity to spend together…
While I’ll eventually get round to the other two episodes that make up the season premiere in later review, for the first installment out of the gate, “Loved To Death” may be a strong contender for worst Tales From The Crypt to date. Directed by Tom Manklewicz, who wrote Bond films Diamonds Are Forvever, Live And Let Die and The Man With The Golden Gun and directed the 1987 movie version of Dragnet, the episode immediately got off on the wrong foot with me by adopting that goofy, exaggerated tone that bugged me so much last season. However, while I circle back to how unfunny I find these particular types of episodes, there’s another bone I have to pick concerning the originality of the tale in general. You see, as the comic tale this episode is based on was essentially a rip-off of an old Twilight Zone episode named “The Chaser”, this means that Tales From The Crypt is technically remaking episodes from other shows entirely, which would be bizarre in of itself, but in some ways, you could see Loved To Death as something as an unofficial sequel too. You see, back in season 2, we had an episode called “Til Death” that not only featured a vastly similar story and a noticable misuse of a love potion, but said elixir is contained in identical, heart-shaped bottles. Coincidence? Maybe they were just reusing the prop just for fun, but in any roads, speculation about the episode’s origins and whether its a spiritual sequel to a previous installment all prove to be far more memorable than the episode itself, which actually proves to be fairly hard going.
It’s strange, because it’s got something of a recognisable cast that’s headed up by both Andrew McCarthy (Manniquin, Weekend At Bernie’s) and Mariel Hemingway (Manhattan, Superman IV), but any comedic chemistry the two might of had is blown out of the water due to yet another episode crippled by playing the humour way too spoofy. Maybe if the episode actually went anywhere, or indulged in a little gore to help pep things up, there might have been a chance to salvage such a lackluster offering and even the presence of Deep Red’s David Hemmings as the scuzzy landlord can’t save Loved To Death from dashing itself to bits on the rocks of boredom. In fact, while numerous past episodes managed to gloss over some inadequacies by going low brow, the fact that the episode has nothing to hide behind, you find yourself working overtime to pick holes in it even further.
The fact that Edward’s a creep and Miranda is deeply obnoxious is par for the course – this is Tales From The Crypt, after all – but the fact that he’s willing to kill her so soon purely because he’s knackered from shagging isn’t as funny as the writers are hoping. It all leads to what I can confidently state is the worst Tales ending to date by a comfortable margin as its isn’t particularly funny, or clever, or even remotely creepy – in fact it vehemently doesn’t make a lick of sense. After dying after accidently poisoning himself, Edward inexplicably ends up in heaven despite delivering a magic roofie and plotting to kill someone, but while this is as perplexing enough, a mangled Miranda arrives among the fluffy clouds to reveal that she commited suicide soon after to be with him forever. But if this is true, why is her face still smashed in if she’s in heaven, and why does Edward start screaming? Regardless of everything that’s happened, he’s still managed to get into the kingdom of fucking heaven, which is quite the achievement considering what a piece of shit he’s been… When it’s at its most playful, Tales From The Crypt can be good, dumb fun – however, this is the kind of dumb I just can’t fall in love with no matter how much potion I chug.
Tales From The Crypt’s third season gets off to a disastrous start with a irritatingly stupid episode that easily ranks as one of the series’ worst. While your average Crypt season often starts with a triple bill there’s still two more episodes to salvage things with, but to open a new batch of stories with something so devoid of interest means that the Crypt Keeper will have to work extra hard to recover any love lost…
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