Anyone who has watched the thoroughly unnecessary Dirty Dozen TV movie, Deadly Mission, will probably agree that it’s an extremely pale imitation of an original movie that was practically loaded with memorable characters and an over abundance of plucky grit and manly spunk (steady now). Yes, it may have brought back a tired looking Lee Marvin and a typically jovial Ernest Borgnine, but the end result was cheaper and flatter than piss-warm Chango and surely was more than enough to deter any more missions for any future incarnations.
However, back in the 80s, we didn’t have the Internet or streaming services to beam any conceivable movie direct to our eyeballs at a moments notice – so when a belated sequel to a World War II classic arrives made specifically for the small screen, I guess you just watched it. Thus, a few years later, the Dirty Dozen rode again with yet another bland retread of the original. However, with Lee Marvin since departed for the great military boot camp in the sky, a replacement was swiftly brought in with previous Dozen experience who proved to initially be a rather confounding choice.
As those dastardly Nazi bastards continue to try and coat all of Europe in swastikas, we find that the Dirty Dozen project is still in operation but now under the command of the long suffering Major Wright whose stern demeanor shoes that he’s run quite a few of these missions before. Like Major John Reisman before him, Wright is brought before the annoyingly peppy Major General Sam Worden to receive orders to head out on another suicide Mission that should hopefully steal another advantage from the German forces. This time it seems like those devious swines have given themselves the capacity to launch V-2 rocket missiles loaded with poison gas at their enemies and in record time, Wright has to haul a bunch of wrong ‘uns out of the closest military stockade and give them the standard deal – face the noose, or face the Nazis.
Once again we speed through the introductions, but the new members of this latest Dozen who actually stick are a hulking Swede named Eric, racing brothers Ronald and David Webber, aging con artist Ernesto and glowering murder/rapist Fontenac. Soon they’re fast tracked into France and find that, as per usual, that they are asked to complete a mission that keeps getting harder no matter which way they turn. Not only do they have to avoid the beady stare of Nazi Colonal Krieger and destroy the monastery where the rockets and their lethal payload are being kept, but they have to rescue the French scientists being held there to stop the Germans trying it again.
Of course, more complications keep building and disaster only seems one bad decision away, but can Wright steer his flawed boys toward another victory – or at least something of them.
If I had to best sum up the experience of watching The Dirty Dozen: The Deadly Mission, it’s that of the overwhelming deja vu you would normally associate with a colossal whack to the head. Essentially a cut and paste of the previous movie with only superficial changes (which, in itself, was a paired down, glorified remake of the vastly superior original), The Deadly Mission literally provides barely a single, new aspect to the franchise and even the biggest change results in the return of an actor who had already appeared in the first movie. That’s right, playing an entirely new character in the form of the bullish Major Wright, the Dirty Dozen franchise welcomes back the outspoken (and noticably aging) form of Telly Savalas; but you can’t help but think that it created some confusion at the time because the last time we was the actor in a Dozen movie, he was playing the deranged, woman slaying, Archer Maggott who eventually got put down like a dog by his own teammates. Not only do the filmmakers seemingly not care that the actor played a earlier, villainous role in the exact same franchise, but they also don’t seem to care that he’s visibly pushing 65 and looks noticably knackered and on top of that, they give him some really strange lines too (Wait, did his character just confidently state that the Germans would never use gas? Who wants to tell him?). Hell, even the main villain is played by the same actor from the last film (Raiders Of The Lost Ark’s Wolf Kahler) even though it’s a different character alltogether and you feel that the producers just wanted to get another film banged out no matter how derivative and mildly confusing it may be.
All the typical plot points are rushed through faster than an uncomfortable speed date and once again, the greatly reduced running time means the film literally has no time to spare, so all the new introductions whizz by in a blur and you only tend to remember the cast members based on how visually distinctive they are. I recognise Randall “Tex” Cobb’s Swede primarily because he has a face that looks like a literal brick of meat and I remember Bo Svenson and Thom Matthews because I’ve seen them in a ton of other stuff – but the vast majority of the nine other characters just tend to blend into one another and when you hear that one of them died, you can’t help from going “who?”.
Training, dissent in the racks, a visit to a british brothel which probably contains more clap than a standing ovation; all the basic plot points are covered with irritating familiarity and the rough edges of these criminals are gradually worn down to finally become worthy soldiers, but even the transition of these character arcs are lazily handled. For example, all the way through the film Svenson’s psycho rapist constantly glares at his team mates, repeatedly tries to escape and even attempts to sexually assault Emmanuelle Meyssignac’s French resistance fighter at knife point; but stick a bit of shrapnel in him during the final battle and he suddenly becomes all sacrifice happy, willing to score a thoroughly undeserved redemption arc as he heroically holds back the enemy single handedly.
The explosions are nice and big and it’s always nice to see Borgnine act like a jolly prick once again, but for the most part, The Deadly Mission plays as flat as a pancake and weirdly seems tailor made to help dads of all ages drift off to sleep on a lazy, Sunday afternoon. Bizarrely enough, this wouldn’t even be the final mission the Dirty Dozen would embark upon and the next installment (dubbed The Fatal Mission) would further double down on the fact that the extended series simply wouldn’t learn from a single mistake. Pointless on almost every conceivable level and perversely dull considering how much shit blows up on a minute by minute basis, this latest mission does nothing more than do the original dirty.
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