During that impossibly fertile period in the 80’s where Amblin Entertainment would make whatever idea Steven Spielberg, virtually breathed on, a small cadre of directors managed to craft a clutch of stone cold, virtually perfect classics that not only were clutched to the bossom of every 80’s kid who ever existed, but allowed them to pretty much out-Spielberg, Spielberg at his own game. Robert Zemeckis knocked it out of the park with Back To The Future, Joe Dante saw a 90 degree shift from horror movie to family films after Gremlins and even though Poltergeist was pre-Amblin, Tobe Hooper did such a good job of creating the Spielberg aesthetic, it created rumours and controversy than followed for years to come. Another name on that list is unsurprisingly, Richard Donner, a man who spent most of his career perfecting almost every genre you can think of, but despite rewriting the manual for satanic horror (The Omen), superhero epics (Superman: The Movie) and even the buddy cop movie (Lethal Weapon), did he do the same for the kids adventure movie?
Of course he did, after all, Goonies never say die.
A mismatched gang of kids, self-named the Goonies after the Goon Docks area where they live in Astoria Oregon, gloomily await for the day when they have to all move out when their homes are torn down to extend the local country club. While The Goonies – sickly Mikey; inventor Data; fast talking Mouth and babbling fat kid Chunk – fret about the imminent foreclosure, new hope rears its head from a tresure map belonging to legendary pirate One-Eyed Willy discovered in the attic of Mikey’s historian father. The four kids sneak out to find the “rich stuff” in order to save their homes. With Mikey’s meat-heat brother, Brand, in hot pursuit, but finding the treasure isn’t going to be a walk in the park. Hiding out in the area after a recent jail break are the Frattellis, a family of murderous criminals made up of the hatchet-faced matriarch, Ma, balding obsessive Francis, constantly crooning Jake and whatever the hell the screaming thing is they have chained up in the basement of the derelict restaurant they’ve holed up in.
Joined by tag-alongs Andy and Stef, the Goonies strive to find the tunnel that leads to One-Eyed Willy’s hidden loot, but not only do they have the Frattellis bringing up the rear, but ahead of them lay a bunch of nefarious boobytraps that has taken out many a professional treasure hunter before them.
Adventure, danger, fun and a very real sense of threat all come together as The Goonies risk life, limb and local noise pollution laws as they scream, yell and banter their way through subterranean death traps as Chunk is left at the mercy of the Frattellis and the thing that’s chained up in their basement.
Taking the kind of Hardy Boys adventures that had graced pulpy novels since the twenties and dosing it up with the sort of obnoxious energy that could have only come from the 80’s, The Goonies also chucked in bumbling killers on the run, a hulking deformed dude who acts like a Disneyfied Jason Voorhees and a whole bunch of lethal boobytraps that would give Indiana Jones a dose of the shits.
Infusing the movie with a sense of hyperactive energy that, if harnessed, could probably generate enough electricity to run a town for and entire year, Donner delivers the same brand of rambling children seen in E.T. but ramps it up to ridiculous levels. Let’s put it this way, if you played a drinking game for every time someone excitedly yelled “You guys!”, your liver would most likely explode before the band of over stimulated tykes even reached their first booby trap.
However, Donner isn’t interested in making a movie for adults and he understands that if you’re going to make a movie about kids, you can’t bullshit them by pandering to what their parents want them to watch. As a result, The Goonies greatest achievement is that it’s remarkably hard-edged for family entertainment, recognising that kids are just as rude, cruel and noisy as they are innocent and well-meaning and thus the cast of our titular group are free to feel extraordinarily relatable as they bully, yell and generally treat each other like shit despite being best of friends.
Donner’s juggling of cartoonish prat-falling and genuine jeopardy is nothing short of fucking sublime. At no point do you think that any of the wailing kids are going to bite the big one at the hands of a criminal’s bullet or a pit of razor sharp stalagmites, but the promise of threat is presented in such a way that younger kids were no doubt horrified at the tangible peril. Yes, the magnificent prat-falling of Joe Pantoliano, Robert Davi and Anne Ramsey is Harold Lloyd perfect, but you could honestly believe that they also were killers.
In fact, probably the best proof of The Goonies’ danger/goofy theorem is that of Sloth, the Frattellis’ monstrous, youngest member who actually proves to be an infantile, sweetheart. Many a child were utterly mortified when we first see him, screaming and chained in silhouette like he’s Frankenstein’s monster, but by the end of the film, he’s a cuddly fan favourite who saves the day, builds a genuinely touching bond with Chunk and delivers a killer Superman in-joke.
Aside from the genuine thrills and awesome sense of adventure, another thing The Goonies does remarkably well is that it’s devastatingly funny and comes loaded with more comedy riches than One-Eye Willy’s cabin. Every (and I do mean every) character gets their chance to shine, be it Corey Feldman’s staggeringly obnoxious Mouth, Ke Huy Quan’s gadget obsessed Data or the many showstopping diatribes from Jeff Cohen’s clutzy Chunk – his terrified confession to the Frattellis about everything he’s ever done wrong is about a perfect example of comedy monologuing you’re ever likely to witness.
However, I probably would argue that it’s maybe not as immaculately formed as Back To The Future, Poltergeist or Gremlins as some of the elements contained within have dated about as well as the mummified remains of treasure hunting also-ran Chester Cobblepot. More modern audiences may be perplexed by open examples of bullying, racial stereotypes and a famously iconic example of out and out fat shaming in the form of the demeaning Truffle Shuffle, but you know what – kids were dicks in the 80’s and they’re dicks now, so I guess taken in that respect, it kind off holds up. Also, the climax devolves into a mixture of chaos and schmaltz that counteracts the fun/edgy mix that Donner has perfected and anyone who is triggered by the intense adolescent screaming that’s usually found in a particularly grating kids birthday party may want to pop an Advil before scrolling this up for a viewing.
However, this is still magnificently silly, adventure malarkey as only Amblin could deliver it and despite the many inconsistencies (Data’s front gate opening invention is pure bollocks – there, I’ve said it), The Goonies still proves that they’re exceptionally bad at saying die…
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