It’s a well known fact that crocodiles have a very long life span, but surely this is taking the piss. After first breaching the surface back in 1999, the hugely underrated kooky killer croc movie, Lake Placid was a refreshingly witty take on the murderous animal genre that gave its starry cast a sack full of snarky barbs that cut into each other more than the abnormally large reptile’s teeth – but after the first film, things began to enter a death-roll of quality control that seemed to have no end.
The string of sequels ordered by the SyFy channel may have given Yancy Butler and Robert Englund some extra work, but the cheap, goofy follow ups that nobody asked for proved to lack a single scare, laugh, or thrill as the movies main resin d’etre seemed to be to have bimbos in bikinis get unconvincing chomped by a CGI croc that was somehow less realistic than the rubber ones Johnny Weissmuller used to wrestle in the 30s.
However, after a baffling versus movie with the Anaconda franchise, it seemed that the series had finally, mercifully, been turned into a pair of fashionable, croc-skin boot once and for all – but as we all should know by now: when sequels fail, reboots prevail… and we’re a long way from Betty White telling Bendon Gleeson to suck her dick.
Leaving the world of wise cracking park rangers and grizzled illegal hunters behind, this newest dip in the Lake introduces to a gang of young, hip and annoying “sexy” activists who do things like breaking into corporate facilities on order to hang provocative banners from the roof, yet hardly mention the environment or animal experimentation at all. No, this bickering group of “eco-terrorists”, made up Sam, his girlfriend Jade, her younger sister Alice, hacker Billy and the headstrong Spencer, seem to be more into sticking it to unscrupulous companies just for the buzz of it and after getting a video message from Dane – one of their former members and Sam’s ex-buddy – who goads them into a race to see who can break into a mysterious facility on a remote island, this bunch of photogenic posers jump at the chance to full off one last infiltration before they try and go legit.
However, upon getting to the island with the aid of locals Pennie and Travis, the group soon find out that the facility is home to a gargantuan, 50 foot crocodile that has been created by various tinkering with croc and dino DNA to help study stem cells (or some such shit). As per usual for these type of films, the various chewy humans scamper around the island, obtaining various hobbling leg injuries and desperately looking for a way off this island if death as the monster croc picks them off one by one.
However, the plot thickens (but not by much) when it turns out that not only is Dane still alive, but he’s with one of the guys who originally was trying to weaponize the crocs at the facility in the first place (so much for stem cells, huh?). Can anyone survive and deny the rampaging reptile its hearty meal as matters grow ever more dire?
There’s many things that baffle and confuse as Lake Placid: Legacy trundles through its 93 minute run time – why is someone who apparently did multiple tours in Afghanistan not pointing their torch in the same direction as their gun? Why, when, repeatedly told that they should be quiet, people then immediately choose to make more noise than they were previously? How the hell, after all this time, can the SyFy Channel still not shell out for a decent, CGI crocodile? Why is Joe Pantoliano here? However, surely the most pressing question is the fact that the franchise has suddenly decided to drop the humourous tone that was a staple of the series since day one. Sure, as the movies went on, the humour went quickly from whip-smart to annoying frat-boy goofiness, but at the very least there was a slight sense of consistency and a good natured desire to entertain. Sure, I’ll grant you that stripping out the giggles helped the Batman franchise after the Joel Schumacher movies, the ever-so- serious Wes Craven’s New Nightmare helped Freddy Krueger straighten up and fly right and James Bond benefited tremendously from the more furrowed brow of Casino Royal, but Lake Placid ain’t no Freddy, it ain’t no Batman and it certainly ain’t no Bond and the removal of the humour makes the movie a noticable slog.
It’s a shame because Lake Placid: Legacy is certainly the slickest looking entry in quite some time with Darrell Roodt experimenting with garish types of lighting and atmosphere in order to give proceedings a more up market and professional look. However, this attempt to spruce up a franchise that’s been mired in the sludge for a little over a decade unfortunately doesn’t stretch to the plot or effects. I’m genuinely uncertain which is the more unconvincing of the two; the digital, 50 foot crocodile that moves as nimbly as a helium filled chihuahua, or the actors who can’t seem to put together a single likable character between them.
There’s the two sisters who desperately try to prop each other up as their combined phobias keep popping up to hamper their survival – acrophobia and claustrophobia are potent fears, true, but are either as scary as being torn apart by a reptile the length of the Hollywood sign? – there’s the dashing boyfriend who is little more than a beard, a haircut and a bunch of horsely shouted plans; there’s the excitable back character who – in an act of questionable, 80s plotting – dies on screen first and there’s the typical hacker character whose dialogue contains more random tech speak than an engineer on Star Trek. It’s all standard, predictable, boring stuff and even the cameoing Pantoliano does nothing with his paltry role, choosing to play his role as bemused as he himself must have been to find himself there.
While it may not be the most highbrow plus point, I have to admit that the levels of gore has been greatly improved with bodies bitten in half and the usual, cheesy, digital-aided decapitations actually looking pretty good for a change. However, the more tangible bloodletting can’t help the dreary, plotting as the movie goes through the usual, killer animal movie motions with its bland cast wandering though dark forests and gloomy tunnels repeatedly stating how scared they are out loud.
A change in tone and an upgrade in production still can’t stop the Lake Placid franchise from sinking even further into the silty gloom as more likely to induce crocodile tears of boredom.
🌟🌟
We Have Issues 