“This is the most ridiculous story I’ve heard in my life!” maintains curtly moustachioed commanding officer “Wild Bill” Woodward as he gets the lowdown of the basic plot of the movie he’s currently appearing in, and after about 24 minutes into Cannon’s katana waving sequel, American Ninja 2: The Confrontation, you’ll definitely be inclined to agree. In fact, in a later scene, Wild Bill uncannily hit the nail on the head even further, ranting “I mean what is this? Ninjas, drug pushers, my men being kidnapped and murdered? This is really beginning to get on my tits!” to the point where you suspect he isn’t so much as the reading the script, but outright condemning it on camera.
Of course, those familiar with the various, loopy action vehicles Cannon released during the 80s won’t be particularly shocked to find out that the sequel to American Ninja has all the wit and nuance of a script fashioned by eight graders, but in a year where such groundbreaking actioners such as Lethal Weapon, Predator and Robocop was released, was there a place left for Cannon’s usual infantile bullshit?
American Ninja Joe Armstrong and his butt kicking buddy Curtis Jackson are now Army Rangers and find themselves sent to a remote Caribbean island to leer and perv over the numerous scantily clad women who frequent the place. No wait – that doesn’t sound right. Hand on while I check my notes… Ah, ok, they’re there to aid the Marine Corps get to the bottom of a bunch of missing Marines – and leer and perv over the numerous scantily clad women who frequent the place.
After being there for less than a day, they discover that the local kidnappings are being perpetrated by an army of ninja who have turned one of the Marines to lure various comrades into traps and after slaughtering a bunch of the black-clad assassins, both Joe and Curtis vow to get to the bottom of things. After attempting to infiltrate a shifty biker bar while dressing like James Dean’s ghost, Joe eventually rescues Alicia Sanborn who finally gives us the lowdown on what all this ninja stuff is all about.
On a private compound on a place named Blackbeard Island, her scientist father has been coerced by a villainous millionaire codenamed “The Lion” to corrupt his work curing cancer and instead is biologically engineering kidnapped Marines to become ninja super-soldiers for hire. While we weigh up which is more unlikely – The Lion’s batshit plan, or the fact that he operates out of a lair that sounds like it’s about to be visited by the Scooby Gang – Joe takes action and attempts to bring this ridiculous operation down from within. However, he’s going to need backup so can Curtis convince stunningly unprofessional officer Wild Bill to send some troops out to help the American Ninja save the day?
By now, I’ve endured enough of Cannon’s examples of action cinema to realise that there are two ways to process the flailing adventure that unfurls before you. The first is to rate it much like any other movie in which the only logical result is to declare it trash and move on with your life, trying not to obsess over the fact that you just wasted ninety minutes of your life watching posturing jarheads endlessly beating the shuriken out of stuntmen dressed in ninja-yoroi. However, I personally suggest you adopt option B and instead lean into the poorly plotted insanity, letting its jaw dropping plot holes and childish tone wash over you to achieve some sort of trash movie nirvana that allows you to watch the movie as nature intended – that of a twelve year old who still think ninjas are the be all and end all of all 80s cinema.
Virtually every single thing about the movie seems like it should be some sort of Hot Shots Part Deux type of spoof right down to the film’s subtitle being the bizarrely passive aggressive “The Confrontation” – but, amazingly, it isn’t, as the story genuinely seems to think its onto something spectacular. Michael Dudikoff once again approaches his role as the titular martial arts master with the same, stoic attitude as before which oddly means he can emote just as little with his ninja mask off as he can with it on (which is, by and large, not very much). However, while he’s no Bruce Lee, he can kick a dude in the face with the best of them and Dudikoff is often at his strongest when he leaves that pesky acting shit in the dust and is free to simultaneously brood and kick ass like an 80s hero two-for-one sale. Alternatively, Steve James’ perpetually cheerful, anvil-jawed sidekick fills in Dudikoff’s flaws by having too much personality, throwing every inch of his musclebound frame in every scene he’s in. Be it watching him emerge from a bar fight with his military uniform in scraps like he’s just transformed back from being the Hulk, or the fact that he chooses to dress to impress for the climactic battle like something out of Black Dynamite, his endearingly garrulous persona helps greatly when it comes to tackling the plot.
I’m not saying that American Ninja 2’s plot is hard to swallow, but I’ve come across bowling balls that are easier to digest as the drug baron villain (clad, of course, in a crisp, white suit and weirdly played by Gary Conway from TVs Land Of The Giants) has a master plan that one part James Bond movie to two parts Saturday morning cartoon show. I don’t mean to pick, but wouldn’t it to be easier and cheaper to train people to be ninja rather then spend billions of drug dealer money fiddling around with the DNA of kidnapped marines? Also, the Lion really doesn’t seem to be getting his money’s worth as these supposed martial arts dreadnaughts are fairly easy to kill despite unwisely having their muscles and sinews replaced with high-tensile steel (surely that would slow them down, no?).
Still, the fights are plentiful, the stunts look legitimately dangerous (if the poor ninja who gets dragged over unyeilding tarmac behind a speeding truck didn’t get a bonus, I, at least, hope his next of kin did) and if you can manage to dredge up the undemanding wonder of your pre-teen self, American Ninja 2 is just plain unintentionally hilarious.
While it never hits the magnificent, so-bad-it’s-good heights of Invasion USA (surely the platinum standard for Cannon’s hilariously shonky, 80s output), American Ninja 2: The Confrontation still has more than enough gaffes, goofs and overexcited garbage going on to be worthy of its ironic, cult standing – but exactly how you approach deliriously childish dumpster fires will no doubt choose whether you see Armstrong’s sophomore adventure as either ninja magic or ninja tragic.
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