No matter what form the sequel to Highlander would’ve taken, there was no way it wasn’t going self-sabotage itself thanks to to that single line of dialogue that we all know off by heart. While Arnold Schwarzenegger’s declaration of “I’ll be back” in The Terminator suggested that an expanded sequel would not only be potentially cool as shit, but also incredibly necessary, Highlander’s favoured quote of “There can only be one” almost seemed like a warning not to fuck with such a contained, fantasy universe.
But did filmmakers heed to their own – possibly subliminal – warning? Did they bollocks; and in 1991, director Russell Mulcahy brought back the world of umatching accents and exhausting looking sword play with Highlander II: The Quickening, leaving themselves wide open to endless jibes about there only being one. However, after audiences got to see the film, the seemingly redundancy of its existence was soon overshadowed by the fact that the filmmakers turned in possibly one of the worst movies of the decade that conclusively proved that in the world of Highlander sequels, there should should be only none.
The year is 2024, and thanks to the constant pollution that mankind has put the planet through, the ozone layer has depleted to the point where the sun’s rays overcook you like like a sausage on the BBQ grill of a hopelessly drunk chef. However, former immortal and all round money bags, Connor MacLeod managed to help create a shield to keep those harmful beams out, but at the expense of the world living in a state of perpetual night that makes the filthy streets of Blade Runner look like Toon Town in comparison and an aged Connor, ready for death, struggles with his gloomy legacy.
It’s at this point things get weird. You see depending on which of the four versions of Higlander II you watch, the Immortals are either aliens from the planet Zeist, or still exist in the distant past and have the ability to time travel – neither of which do any favors for the franchise’s already shaky continuity.
It seems that Connor always knew that he was an Immortal and he was always best buds with the Scottish Spaniard, Ramíez, who actually was some sort of sorcerer, and the two of them once led a rebellion against the corrupt General Katana…. or something.
Deciding to suddenly lept forward in time (or teleport to earth) for reasons that hold less water than an origami camel, Katana and his half-porcupine henchmen attempt to kill the aged Connor, but only manages to infuse him with a renewed boost of immortality seeing as more Immortals are now suddenly on the scene.
Teaming with young freedom fighter, Louise Marcus, and an inexplicably resurrected Ramíez, Connor locks horns (and swords) with Katana and the corrupt Shield Corporation in order to slay the maniacal general and free the Earth from a gloomy existence that he helped create.
Beset so many production issues that the fact it even exists is a miracle, Highlander II ultimately was shredded to bits by producers to provide a near-incomprehensible theatrical experience that seemingly dedicated all of its 91 minutes to pulling down its britches and taking a sci-fi dump all over its established continuity. However, years later, ousted director Russell Mulcahy returned to deliver a director’s “renegade cut” that restored some desperately needed footage and banished that whole alien explanation to the void from whense it came. Unfortunately, while it helped Highlander II blessedly make an iota of sense, it regrettably didn’t stop it from stinking up the joint like a three week old kebab, and so the film took its spot as one of the worse sequels of all time and a warning to all who would recklessly sequelize a cool, 80s oddity.
If examined a certain way, Highlander II is something of an amazing achievement as literally nothing about it works in a way that’s even remotely satisfying. The shift to a dystopian future is a neat idea on paper as the audience is forced to endure the same culture shock as Connor himself endured during his prolonged history – similarly, the fact that MacLeod himself is responsible for the shitty existence the planet is in provides some much needed drama and conflict, but everything else spirals out of control from the word go.
Trying to concoct any origin for the Immortals, be it time travelers or aliens, effectively strip-mines the concept of all the fantastical mystery it once had and vast stretches of logic violently refuse to make sense. Why would Katana sent more Immortals to kill an already near-dead, mortal MacLeod when their very arrival gives him a renewed burst of life? Why are his henchmen quill-haired porcupine-people? Why does the film double down on treating Sean Connery’s Ramíez as the most Scottish form of life that’s ever existed when he is supposed to be Spanish/Egyptian (the movie even blasts Amazing Grace on the bagpipes over the soundtrack during his ridiculous self sacrifice scene)?
Even the normally dependable Michael Ironside founders as the villainous Katana, stuck trying to one-up Clancy Brown’s scene-chewing Kurgan to the point where he’s stuck in nonsensical scenes where he’s snarling like an animal while doing various, odd, villain-things like taking a subway train out for a joyride (?) or vandalising a taxi cab – which seems like odd behavior for a General, even a cartoonishly evil one played by Michael Ironside.
Elsewhere we have a game Virgina Madson trying to keep a straight face in a movie where an Oscar winning, former James Bond has dialogue based around the word “shithead” and an extended action sequence that has Christopher Lambert whizzing around grimy streets on a flying skateboard like Zack Snyder directed Back To The Future II – but vitally, despite containing more than its fair share of sci-fi lunacy, Highlander II just isn’t very fun and that, more than bizarre eco-friendly plots and massive retcons, proves to be the killing blow that takes the movie’s head clean off.
It takes a special kind of movie to still be duff even after an extensive recutting and we probably will never know if Mulcahy’s original, untampered with idea would have ever amounted to anything; but the failure of Highlander II set a standard that the franchise never truly recovered from, which, in my honest opinion, is a crying shame. In fact, to paraphrase the almighty Queen, whose songs briefly enliven this cinematic slice of epic dumpster fire: it’s a kind of tragic.
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