When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth (1970) – Review

Hammer obviously still saw gold in the whole prehistoric fantasy thing after the sight of Raquel Welch fleeing stop-motion thunder lizards in One Million Years B.C. managed to rake in more cash than a stegosaurus could wave its tail at, because they followed it up with three more attempts. But while the likes of Prehistoric Women (subtle, Hammer) and Creatures The World Forgot are kind of ignored in this pre-hysterical quartet, When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth is a far more memorable adventure.
Not only does it help that the title was emblazoned on that banner as the T-Rex roared its guts out during the climax of Jurassic Park, but compared to those other two Hammer also-rans, it actually tried to contend with One Million B.C. on it’s own terms. I mean – it kinda failed, but you have to get points for trying, right?

Let Hammer take you back once again to a time when humans and dinosaurs somehow shared the same living space, there are only twelve words in existence with five of them being Akeeta, and primative push-up bra technology had gotten a tremendous head start over such trivial inventions as the wheel. In this volatile, lizard eat lizard world, we meet the Cliff Tribe and their vehemently superstitious leader, Kingsor, who is so paranoid about the sun not rising again, he haphazardly sacrifices various blonde haired members of the tribe to appease his God. However, after a freak hurricane, one of the more nubile sacrifices – the doe-eyed, cave-bunny known as Sanna – manages to escape by plunging into the sea where she is eventually rescued by fishermen of the Seaside Tribe led by the smouldering Tara. Seeing as Sanna is built like she should be on the cover of Playboy and Tara has the romantic intensity of a caveman James Bond, the two immediately hit it off, which causes friction with moody brunette Ayak, who also has eyes for Tara, and before you can draft in the prehistorical forebears to Dr. Phil, there’s gratuitous cat fights aplenty as the two women claw and scratch for their prize.
However, random accusations of being a witch and a quick brawl in the surf are the least of Sanna’s problems as soon Kingsor and some men come looking for her to try and give that sacrifice thing another go. Proving she’s no dumb blonde, Sanna flees and ends up being accidentally adopted by a mommy Megalosaurus and her child; which I suppose is great if you don’t mind eating raw deer.
However, while Sanna and Tara eventually find each other again despite the odd run-in with the occasional reptilian predator, Kingsor starts trying to convince the Seaside Tribe to take up sacrificing blondes too and if the loved-up couple don’t intervene, it could spell disaster for their tribe in the time it takes for you to screech “Akeeta!”.

So, to start; for a film called When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth, the big snarling lizards don’t actually get to do much ruling as the majority of the runtime – as with most of Hammer’s dino movies – are spent with a bunch of actors with stick on beards trying desperately keep their dignity as they gesture at one another in a made up language. Simply put, this is pretty much a carbon copy of Ten Million Years B.C., but with some of the plot muddled around, but even with the changes there’s still a rock-based tribe and a sea-based one; there only seems to be two hair colours and our lead character parades around the movie primarily to hit any nervous teenage boys watching with a sexual awakening that hits like a fucking train. However, while it strives to match Don Chaffey tale of sex and sauropods, When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth fails to match its predecessor in virtually every way.
A good example of this is Victoria Veyti’s stunningly voluptuous Sanna, who, if I’m being honest, does fairly well as the wide-eyed blonde who literally falls ass backward into every plot twist the film has to throw at her. However, while that innocent look arguably makes more sense for a displaced cave girl, she manages to conjure up only a fraction of the raw, iconic power that the impossibly statuesque Raquel Welch commanded as she became an instant sex symbol despite only speaking in grunts.

The plot – not that anyone apparently cares when you have cave girls wrestling in their furry underwear – is virtually nonexistent as it’s mostly comprised of yearning looks or aimless wandering and the acting is mostly based on how much meaning you can get out of bellowing Akeeta at literally everyone and everything. However, for most people watching, “the plot” is mostly how much screentime can focus on Vetri’s impossibly nubile form and for a film that was supposed to be for kids, it’s absolutely bizarre that any patient scanning from any nip slips or wardrobe malfunctions are suddenly rewarded when the lead actress fully strips to give us a full glimpse of her buxom assests in a movie meant for family consumption.
However, in the midst of your mind being bounced between obvious titillation and the tremendously annoying experience of hearing the word “Akeeta!” screamed constantly, something manages to exceed your expectations entirely and ends up being legitimately fucking awsome. While Ray Harryhausen wasn’t around for this one, the efforts of Jim Danforth, David Allen and Roger Dicken managed to nab themselves an Oscar nomination for their troubles and I have to admit, they totally deserved it. Sure the movie sometimes takes the easy way out by glueing spikes and horns onto a crocodile and a lizard and having them slug it out for real (naughty, naughty, Hammer), the stop motion Dinos are fucking sublime and hold up magnificently well even today. An early plesiosaur attack that’s illuminated almost entirely by torchlight maybe one of the most sumptuously shot stop motion sequences I’ve ever seen (short of the Medusa scene from Clash Of The Titans, of course) and later segments that include similarly impressive appearances from a pterosaur, an overzealous Chasmosaurus and some giant crabs also impress.

However, despite some heroic heavy lifting by the stop motion team and Vetri’s workout routine, When Dinosaurs Ruled The Earth simply just can’t manage to escape the Brachiosaurus-sized shadow of Ten Million Years B.C., which proves to be bigger, better and miles more horny than a Triceratops in heat in almost every way.
Until next time, stay healthy and Akeeta!

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