Even if I had the lifespan of an immortal, I still don’t think I could ever figure out some of the decisions made by certain streaming services who seem content to sling out any old tat if it means that they can score a couple more views. One such example was The Old Guard, an action film that included Charlize Theron and a whole bunch of lore involving a squad of immortal beings interfering with human affairs to protect them in secret – yet curiously neglected to include other things such as characters you actually care about, or a reason to give a shit. In fact, I was so thoroughly unaffected by The Old Guard, I’d actually forgotten that it even existed until I heard news that a sequel was on the way, but while you may think that the five year gap between movies is proof that the world wasn’t exactly screaming out for a follow up, a protracted post production thanks to a regime change at Netflix means that I truly was expecting the worst. Still, for a movie about people who live forever, at least The Old Guard 2 doesn’t feature a run time that lasts an eternity…
So, in case you had forgotten (because I certainly had), The Old Guard told of a group of immortals led by Andromache (Andy for short) who form a crack strike team in order to try and protect humanity from it’s own worst elements. However, you can’t live for hundreds or even thousands of years and not pick up a bit of emotional baggage along the way and for 500 years, Andy has been pining for her lost love, Quýnh, who bore the brunt of the fear of humans when she was shoved in a metal sarcophagus and sent to the bottom of the ocean, but now, things have changed substantially. For a start, for the last few months, Andy has been living as a mortal after her non dying powers up and crapped out on her as immortality powers apparently can do, but that hasn’t stopped her from still hurling her vulnerable body into the fray with her team of Joe, Nicky, Nile and former CIA agent Copley as they try to right wrongs by shooting them in the face. However, a new player us on the board in the form of the mysterious Discord, a woman who not only claims to be the first immortal, but has managed to locate Quýnh and has brought her back up to the surface for some well earned oxygen.
After discovering that Andy was not only was spared the same fate as her, but actually has been living her life while she suffocated for nearly half a century, Quýnh is understandably pissed at her former love and is willing to side with Discord’s secret plan despite her really stupid name. However, while this is a massive headache for Andy, adding to her woes is the fact that the sage-like Tuah has discovered that the failure of her abilities wasn’t quite so natural or random as it first seemed. The explanation lies with Nile, who is revealed to be the last of the Immortals to be born and as such, she has some extra abilities lurking within her that means that Discord will be coming for her next.
It’s a strange experience to watch a sequel to a movie you have next to no memory of – however, if I remembered anything, it’s that I wasn’t particularly impressed by the original that felt alternatively like a dime-store Eternals and an incredibly bland take on Highlander. Not even the sight of Charlize Theron working her ass off to cement her place as Hollywood’s prime female action star managed to stir up anything approaching any real interest in an adventure filled to the brim with so-so action and increasingly uninteresting characters. Hell, I couldn’t even tell you who the villain was without a quick visit to Wikipedia and similarly, any action setpiece that lay contained within the movie was equally scrubbed from my memory with a minimum of effort.
However, there was the slimmest of hopes that maybe the sequel, now freed from the responsibility of establishing the set up, could inject the series with a bit more momentum, but despite a director change (Victoria Mahoney stepping in for Gina Prince-Bythewood), The Old Guard 2 proves to be even more of a pointless viewing experience that the first film despite paying off a lot of the dangling thread left over. The action is competent enough, but completely lacking in drama or tension – but while these issues could have been previously explained away by the fact that our main characters are utterly invincible, but here that excuse is instantly neutralised as Theron’s Andy is as mortal as a camp councilor at Crystal Lake. But despite the fact that our lead character could totally die, a sense of danger is still distinctly noticeable by it’s absence.
Making everything even worse, is that the cast contains some legitimate heavy hitters. Theron continues to revisit playing an icy ass kicker, but you’ll find yourself wishing she would channel Imperial Furiosa more over Æon Flux – yes, she can still whup and ass or two and look damn cool doing it, but it’s tough to care when the plot is this drab. Worse yet, the constantly dependable Chiwetel Ejofir is completely and utterly wasted to the point where he actually has nothing to add to the plot whatsoever and his very appearance here screams of contractual obligation. However, the filmmakers obviously were convinced that nabbing Uma Thurman to take villain duties this time out would be something of a coup as seeing her once again fighting someone with a kitana would no doubt trigger fond memories or her Kill Bill days. But beyond the stunt casting, Thurman has nothing much to actually give as she’s required to give the exact same, cold, cool, calculated performance as everybody else and carry out a plan that doesn’t exactly make a whole lot of sense. Still, at least it holds the attention more than the various subplots that see the supporting cast slow the plot down even further.
It’s here that we hit upon The Old Guard 2’s most problematic issue that has it seem to think that it’s entitled to a third installment when production problems already ensured that it’s,second installment already has bowed at least three years too late. That hasn’t stopped the film ending on a massive Empire Strikes Back style cliffhanger that sees 75% of the cast captured by the villains and feels as subtle as the kinds of endings that led to me utterly despising the Resident Evil movies. No doubt people will respond to the audaciousness of the (non) climax with calls for Netflix to end the trilogy, but the movie was so irritating and boring, I would be willing to ignore my franchise OCD and suggest that the best thing for everyone is to let this story of immortals actually wither and die.
Once upon a time I would never have believed that I could have found a story about a crack team of immortals targeting wrongdoers in order to make the world a better place boring, but thanks to Netflix, they’ve not only proven me wrong twice, but made me waste hours of my own limited lifespan confirming it. When the sight of Charlize Theron fighting a helicopter with an axe fails to entertain, it’s time to let it die.
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