Let us consider the Crypt Keeper, the pun flinging host of the very show that we’re watching. Filling the same function as Alfred Hitchcock and Rod Serling before him, he’s supposed to set up the main story with a brief introduction, some excruciating jokes and a whole bunch of self serving cackling – but at no point is his eager bookending supposed to steal the show. With this in mind, we broach yet another aspect about Tales From The Crypt beyond its use of famous directors and actors that was utterly fascinating – what if your famous director was a famous actor? In fact, what if your director was the famous actor of the time?
Offering Arnold Schwarzenegger his first directing credit (yes, even before Christmas In Connecticut), the show not only started a strange run of offering huge stars a chance to step behind the camera (Tom Hanks and Michael J. Fox also had a crack at it), but while it’s a great hook, could the man famous for playing an emotionless killer robot grasp the irony that makes the Crypt tick?
Carlton Webster is immensely wealthy, but he’s also incredibly old, but despite his body being decrepit and weak, the guy also has something of a boyant heart that’s deeply in love. However, the object of his affections is Linda, a vibrant young woman and in an attempt to ensure that she doesn’t reciprocate his affections purely because he’s loaded, Carlton has lied to her about his wealth, claiming he’s poor. Seemingly putting all of his eggs into one basket, the rickety millionaire pops the question only to find that Linda isn’t willing to marry someone so old and rebuffs her admirer.
However, Carlton isn’t about to take no for an answer and starts looking into progressively more extreme techniques to reduce his age – Lime luckily, because we’re in the Crypt-verse, he eventually stumbles upon a discredited doctor who seemingly has discovered the secret to eternal youth that involves using surgery to switch bodies with someone far younger. The catch is that such a procedure is ludicrously expensive and it costs a cool million to switch just his face with Hans, the willing, muscular donor who gets a gargantuan pay day for his sacrifice.
However, despite having a far younger head, Linda is still unsure about marrying someone with an old, bent, body – so it’s back to the sinister doctor we go switch out Carlton’s withered torso out with the willing Hans’ at yet more cost. But while Linda is starting to come around, his stick-like legs still prove to be a deal breaker. Giving up the last of his fortune and having to sell his mansion and fire his faithful butler, Fulton, Calton finally takes the full plunge and fully conpletes his switch with Hans, but after finally being young enough for Linda, he makes an earth shaking discovery. It turns out that the object of his affections wanted money after all and has married Hans who not only has Carlton’s old body, but his sizable wealth too.
If there’s a noticable issue with “The Switch”, it’s that it breaks a sizable rule of all anthology shows that come with a charismatic host – your bookends should never end up being more entertaining than the episode itself. However, how can you not instantly fall in love with the sight of the Crypt Keeper wearing sweats and trying to exercise while Arnold Schwarzenegger spots him while matching our host pun for pun. It’s truly a glorious thing that makes full use of its star-studded director without awkwardly cramming into the episode that still gets him on-screen and mugging like a pro. However, the episode never truly recovers from that wonderful intro and as a result, Arnold’s directorial debut not only ends up being a little flat, but also delivers a story that doesn’t quite vibe with the established Crypt rules.
In paper, the story seems like it’s typical Crypt fare, with a millionaire in love, a sinister doctor and a bizarre, yet wondrous, medical procedure that doesn’t make a lick of sense all looking like they’re primed to deliver a classic tale. However, for a show that’s already given us gruesome murders, vicious karma and the sight of a stuffed M. Emmet Walsh, Schwarzenegger delivers a rather subdued episode that goes light on the grue and heavy on the camp. There’s nothing overly wrong with his direction and he makes sure he delivers a cool laboratory for Roy Brocksmith (already on his second Crypt appearance) to launch into full blown, German-accented, mad doctor mania. Similarly, the rest of the cast slot into their roles well with the famously old William Hickey reliably looking like he’s going to expire any minute, Kelly Preston playing the perky object of his affections and Brocksmith making me feel like he could have been a serious contender to play Dr. Octopus if a 90s Spider-Man had ever gotten off the ground. There’s also a diverting turn by Ian Abercrombie as Carlton’s faithful butler, Fulton, who cheerfully aids his boss in all of his misguided endeavours even if it ultimately puts him out of a job.
However, while the broad vein of camp Schwarzenegger brings to the episode is so heavy-handed it verges on childish, neither he or the actors are to blame for the installment falling so flat and the true culprit is a script that doesn’t seem to understand quite how a Tales From The Crypt story is supposed to play. For a start, it usually helps if the main character is something of an irredeemable shit who utterly deserves the nasty comeuppance that fate has in store for them, but Carlton is just a sad old loney man who wants to shoot his shot with the future Mrs John Travolta who doesn’t really merit having his efforts thrown back in his face so cruelly. However, on the other hand, the sting in The Switch’s tail us also lacking a spot of poison as the shock ending is isn’t actually that devastating when you think about it. Yes, Carlton has lost his millions and it turns out that his love was far more shallow than he first thought – but on the other hand, he literally has had his youth handed back to him in the virile form of Hans’ original body which surely means he can start his life anew. Additionally, Hans may now have Carlton’s fortune, but he also has his life expectancy, so once he pops his clogs, there’s nothing to stop Carlton taking another crack at Linda, if he really wants to. But again, missing out on the pretty gold digger seems like Carlton may have dodged a bullet, and once you start pulling on these threads, The Switch rapidly falls apart. I get that logic isn’t a high priority on Crypt-land, but the second your twist fails to land, all the other silly stuff you’ve used to build the story up soon unravels. Why would the doctor’s operation only restore sections of the body at a time? Wouldn’t it be simpler to just swap the brain that switch parts of the body? How the hell did Carlton and Linda become friends in the first place? I’ve never demanded that Tales From The Crypt make air-tight sense, but this is one tale that’s too silly for its own good.
The addition of Schwarzenegger as a director means that while we get an intro for the ages, the story aspects of his directorial debut prove to be nowhere as strong as those famous biceps. Still, it’s interesting that his story involves a very literal form of body building, but the former Mister Universe can’t quite work this episode into shape.
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