There’s nothing Tales From The Crypt loves more than an insanely jealous spouse. While it’s invariably the husband who usually loses his marbles at the thought of their better half playing away behind their back, both the comic and the show has always benefited from a spot of marital strife. Proving this beyond a shadow of a doubt is “As Ye Sow”, the directorial debut of Kyle MacLachlan who last showed up in front of the camera in Tales From The Crypt back during season 3, having his eyeball pecked out by an aggressive vulture.
However, in a change of location, we find the one-time frequenter of Twin Peaks delivering a story about the dangers of jealousy that ropes Héctor Elizondo, Patsy Kensit and even Adam West into a web of misunderstandings, passion and mistrust. Perfectly fertile ground for a Tale From The Crypt, then…
Veteran businessman Leo Burns has a problem. While he seems to have it all when it comes to wealth, influence and a much younger wife in the form of Bridget, his nubile spouse proves to be something of an achillies heel in his usually unflappable confidence. While he has absolutely no proof that anything untoward is going on, he remains utterly convinced that Bridget must be having an affair due to her reluctance to have sex with him. After the latest, snazzy detective firm draws a blank and fails to find concrete evidence of her supposed wayward nature, Leo sets his sights lower and hires the services of the sleezy G.G. Devoe who is only too happy to play on the doubt concerning the wife’s fidelity.
Stoking the paranoia within Leo, the misogynistic P.I. suggests that her frequent visits to a local church means that she has to be having a dalliance with hunky, local priest John Sejac, whose rather open views on sin only rile Burns up more. With his imagination running wild, Leo asks Devoe if he can take further steps to take care of his problem and before you know it, he’s hiring a hitman to take a terrible revenge.
However, after having some serious doubts, Leo tries an underhanded trick to try and finally get the truth. Dressing in a priest’s collar and plonking himself into the confession box, he manages to hear his wife pour her heart out about how she’s been a terrible partner. But rather than admit that she’s been having an affair, Bridget confesses that she’s only stopped having sex with her husband because she’s scared of the dangers of pregnancy. Overcome with relief that he’s finally been proven wrong, Leo reveals himself to his wife and apologies for his paranoid thoughts. However, a happily ever after isn’t exactly on the cards when Devoe’s hit man shows up and witnesses what appears to be the amorous priest he’s looking for making out with a young woman. Oops.
While there’s a distinct lack of the supernatural to be found within “As Ye Sow”, MacLachlan manages to deliver an acerbic, darkly funny, noir/thriller that manages to avoid the pitfalls of some of the camper episodes, and deliver an installment loaded with famous faces and cynical laughs. Leading the charge is Héctor (Pretty Woman) Elizondo, who plays the chaotically uncertain Leo and essentially proves to be the entire backbone of the episode as we basically view everything through his mounting paranoia. Joining him is Patsy Kensit, who offsets her natural adorable-ness with a fairly random Irish accent. Turning the screws even more is John Shea’s impressively hip and unbearably smug priest and Sam Waterston’s supremely douchey investigator, whose rather unsavory views of women do nothing to alleviate Leo’s fears. But on top of that, MacLachlan also has managed to ensnare both Adam West and Crypt veteran Miguel Ferrer (last seen getting dragged into a shallow grave by a vengeful zombie back in season 2) in vital cameos, and what the episode may lack in visual pizzazz, it more than makes up for it by delivering a complex and satisfying farce.
Simply put, while a lot of Crypt episodes have the basic set-ups of a joke (scenario, set-up, punchline), the vast majority of them tend to finish up with some sort of supernatural rug pull at the end that, while fun, can be a little simplistic. However, with a distinct lack of ghosts, zombies, or other horror-based freakshows (not to mention any spectacular gore-puns) to finish with, all MacLachlan has to play with is plot and character; thankfully this proves to be more than enough. While never descending fully into outrageous camp, Elizondo manages to carry the entire plot with darting looks and incredulous stares as the opinions of other send him spiralling even more.
A lot of humour is eked out of the fact that this formerly-confident businessman can be led astray by such ridiculous “proof” like you can tell if a woman is cheating on you by the type of bra she wears, or that his mania is leading him to read between the lines of the names of Sejac’s sermons, or even hear outrageous double meanings when the priest describes the church as a “living, potent organ, throbbing with vitality”. In fact, MacLachlan should be commended for providing an episode that nails it’s plot and jokes without the aid of an overly jokey tone or splattery gore; but arguably the most memorable aspect is how defiantly cruel the episode is. While Leo is easily led astray by the accusations and insistance of skeevier men, he actually learns his lesson and changes his ways before the twist ending sees him mercilessly shot to death by the very events he’s set in motion.
Yes, he finally discovers that his wife loves him and her avoiding sex comes from the fact that her mother died in childbirth – but if he was a better husband and didn’t see his young, hot spouse as an object, surely he’d already know this. Similarly, let’s not forget that he was willing to spend $100,000 to have a priest murdered simply because he thinks he was having an affair with Bridget, so his final comeuppance is technically earned. But as its so rare for a character to learn their lesson organically without the aid of a fatal happenstance, the fact that Burns is still the victim of ironic punishment is magnificently harsh, even for a show such as this. You can see in his eyes that he realises this is all entirely his fault and the final indignity (other than his wife getting to watch him get shot down) is he that not only does his killer use his own catchphrase on him as ordered (“In your ear!”), but it’s Father Sejac who gives him his last rites as he passes on.
While more fidgety viewers may bemoan the lack of monsters or extreme gore, the second part of season 5’s triple-header sees former irony casualty Kyle MacLachlan pay it forward in substantial style. Some measured direction and a solid lead performance by Elizondo ensures that “As Ye Sow” reaps hefty rewards.
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