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It seems that no matter how many celebrated actors and quirky script details you cram into your film, there’s still no guarantee that it won’t evaporate from the public consciousness entirely. That’s not to say that the film in question is objectively bad (although some poorly made films still have certainly managed to make sizable cultural footprints), but whether its theatrical run was swallowed up by a larger release, or its ad campaign was botch by an indifferent studio, some movies just seem to slip through the cracks.
One such casualty of the box office was Hotel Artemis, a quirky crime thriller with minor sci-fi leanings that was the feature debut of Drew Pierce, co-writer of Iron Man 3, The Fall Guy and Fast & Furious spin-off Hobbs & Shaw. Positively crammed with a veritable cornucopia of recognised talent, such as Jodie Foster, Jeff Goldblum, Sterling K. Brown, Zachary Quinto and others, it’s overwhelmingly strange that few have seen a film so fully booked.
It may be the not-so distant future (2028, actually) but the social climate certainly is looking pretty familiar, as gargantuan riots have broken out in Los Angeles due to the city’s water privatisation. In the midst of battles between citizens and police, professional bank robber Sherman, his brother Lev and their crew have decided that the chaos is the perfect diversion to hit a bank, but after the plan repeatedly goes sideways and the gang has an intimate run in with both police and bullets, the wounded members retreat to the Hotel Artemis to get their injuries seen to.
What’s the Hotel Artemis, I hear you ask? Well, it’s a secret hospital that’s funded by it’s exclusively criminal clientele and held together by an increasingly strict code of conduct that must be adhered to at all times. In charge of this facility is the diminutive form of Jean “The Nurse” Thomas, who oversees the care the morally questionable patients recieve. Upon arriving, Sherman soon discovers two things – one is that his brother’s wounds will require new organs to be 3D printed and the other is one of the items he managed to score from the botched bank job is property of notorious crime lord, Orian “The Wolf King” Franklin – the man who just happens to own the very hotel he’s taking refuge in.
From here, he, Jean and all the other temporary residents start to mingle and soon have their own issues eith one another. Jean is sidetracked by a face from her tragic past which leads her to violate her own rules; French assassin, “Nice”, has her own mission in effect which will bend the rules of the Artemis to her own will; and obnoxious arms dealer “Acapulco” just persistently gets on everyone’s nerves. However, when news that the Wolf King himself has been wounded and will be coming to the Atermis in person, it throws the already chaotic hospital into total disarray.
If I had to describe Hotel Artemis in one sentence, it’s like Drew Pierce decided to make a John Wick movie without actually putting John Wick in it. The titular Hotel Artemis follows strict rules much like the Continental, that ensures all of the killers and crooks staying within its walls are kept honest as possible and the movie is chock full of eccentric criminal types who not only go under random, ironic nicknames, but their entire demeanor feels cribbed entirely from the idiosyncratic side characters who often rubs shoulders and trade bullets with Keanu Reeves suited revenge machine. However, this is not a John Wick film, and as such only feels like something of a strange ripoff, or a half-hearted homage, as its impressive ensemble bickers and kills amongst themselves. While the array of famous faces go about their business, they all feel like supporting characters in desperate need of a lead.
Of course, by “lead” I mean an action lead, but seeing as Hotel Artemis is technically more of a thriller than a movie that goes in all guns blazing, main character duties are split between Sterling K. Brown’s cornered robber and Jodie Foster’s tough-but-agoraphobic nurse who strives to keep her unruly charges in line. While Brown can usually be counted to enliven anything he’s in (just look at the sterling *heh* work he put into the much maligned The Predator), here we find him slightly subdued as he’s mosy locked into keeping his screw-up brother (a similarly restrained Brian Tryee Henry) under wraps for most of the film. In comparison, watching a tiny, grey-haired Foster shuffle her way through her hospital trying to keep order and bark out snappy words of wisdom proves to be far more interesting and it’s made even better with the rather tender relationship she shares with Dave Bautisa’s mountainous orderly, Everest.
Rounding out the cast is Charlie Day, who is required to scream at everybody in a very Charlie Day kind of way; Sofia Boutella who once again does her sultry, high-kicking, assassin thing; Jenny Slate, whose injured cop throws some spanners in the works; Zachary Quinto, as the hot tempered son of the Wolf King and none other than Jeff Goldblum as the crime boss himself who dials back his usual “uhhhs” and “ahhhhs” to play someone a lot more imposing. However, whole we have a raft of interesting actors playing kooky roles, none of them particularly stand out that much, which is increasingly weird when you consider the talent involved. Pierce’s writing is fairly snappy too and the movie is certainly tight at a brief, taunt, 90 minutes – but unfortunately, it’s also fairly forgettable in the grand scheme of things, and once the credits roll, memories of what you’ve just seen tend to fade fairly quickly.
Again, maybe it’s the fact that we’re watching a film highly reminiscent of the world of John Wick that holds off on its action until the final fifteen minutes, or maybe it’s because the various character arcs come together somewhat clumsily, but Hotel Artemis stubbornly refuses to remain lodged in the brain pan like a forgettable bullet. Even some themes of social unrest and some fairly obvious barbs about health care fail to jog the memory barely a week after viewing, but at least it’s fun while we’re actually staying there.
Still, while the plot is catchy, it isn’t what you’d call gripping, and while the action and performances are also pretty fun, it seems like Foster, Goldblum and Sterling are mostly coasting on the 90s crime oddity vibes. It’s a good way to burn through 90 minutes, but it’s hardly good for what ails ya.
Zippy, witty and certainly eccentric, Pierce is sadly unable to add gripping to his feature debut as a lot of the plots messily crash together rather than smoothly collide. While this particular hotel comes with a scattered array of perks and some enjoyable guests, I’d hardly award it five-star service.
