Despite the fact that Tales From The Crypt is a prominent, horror show, there’s been a lack of prominent horror directors working within its constraints. Oh sure, Tom Holland (Child’s Play, Fright Night) delivered a couple of episodes, Fred Decker (Night Of The Creeps, The Monster Squad) wrote and directed a few and even Pet Semetary’s Mary Lambert managed to get in on the action, but where were the masters? Remember, filmmakers such as George Romero, Wes Craven and John Carpenter were still active, not to mention the likes of more wild-card auteurs like Dario Argento, Don Coscarelli and Sam Raimi.
Well, season 3 finally breaks that streak by bringing none other than the director of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre himself, Tobe Hooper, to the party. Will the presence of an undisputed horror legend bring something noticable to the show, or does the Crypt only work best for directors who are moonlighting from other genres?
Red-haired Red Buckley is the sort of short-tempered, impulsive crook that Tales From The Crypt makes its bread and butter from and he almost immediately proves his lack of worth when we watch him shoot his partner in crime dead after a heated argument. The reason these two feuding ne’er-do-wells have fallen out is because they can’t agree the best way to rob plantation owner Emilie Duvall of his most fabled possession: an exceedingly rare black pearl. Worse yet, the tropical island where Duvall lives is plagued by civil war that could explode at any moment, so whatever Red is going to do, he’d better do it fast.
Certainly not one of crimedom’s great thinkers, Red nevertheless pulls a blinder by simply walking up to Duvall in a bar and asking for a job – but miraculously, he’s soon hired as the ailing plantation owner admits that his grisly sickness is slowing him down more than he’d like to admit. You see, Duvall is riddled with parasitic water worms, and hopes Red will continue on in his stead – both with the plantation and his nubile wife, Katherine. But despite warnings from Peligre, one of Duvall’s employees, Red jumps the gun and starts a torrid affair with Kathrine and soon both are plotting to put Duvall out of his misery and take his riches for themselves.
As civil war finally errupts, Red makes his move, but despite Duvall’s claims that he can’t produce the pearl at this time, his former, flame-haired protege shoots him dead as starts searching for the elusive jewel. It turns out that Duvall has actually ingested the pearl for save keeping and in desperation, Red produces a knife and carves into his worm-infested abdomen to get his prize, but when Kathrine unsurprisingly turns on him, Peligre manages to save the day.
But what does Peligre want? Certainly not the pearl, but soon Red’s going to discover the hard way what the people of Peligre’s village will do for a shock of bright red hair.
While I’m willing to admit that Tobe Hooper was already starting his downward spiral at the start of the 90s, you’d still think that the notoriously crazy world of the Crypt Keeper would have been fertile ground for the man who gave us the undiluted lunacy of both The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and Lifeforce. However, “Dead Wait” ultimately ends up being somewhat of a bust who can’t even rely on some outlandish gore amd some steamy sex scenes to haul it out of Crypt purgatory. The main problem is something of an uninspiring script that’s not only fairly clunky and plods along at frustratingly leisurely pace, but also doesn’t allow the pretty recognisable cast to gel at all. Yes, the lax rules offered by HBO means that Hooper is able to push the boundaries of sex and gore arguably further than any Crypt episode has done so before, but it would have been nice to have a great episode as well…
One of the most glaring issues is the over familiarity of the plot. Plantations and voodoo have showed up in episodes before, as have charismatic thugs and deceitful wives, but I’m struggling to think of an example where they’ve actually produced a truly great episode. Maybe it’s time for Tales From The Crypt to accept that sticking voodoo in an episode never seems to work as well as the makers hope they do and this proves to be no exception. Weirder yet, the presence of Whoopie Goldberg as a voodoo doll-jabbing priestess seems incredibly out of place, especially as she seems to want to play her as Guinan from Star Trek: The Next Generation. Obviously, that character doesn’t go round lopping heads of with a machete, but while Goldberg wisely doesn’t humiliate herself by going full witch doctor, she doesn’t seem to be having much fun either – unless the whole reason she signed on was for the fun, after episode segment that sees the Crypt Keeper congratulating her for winning an “Academy A-weird” for “The Killer Purple”. Beyond that, everyone else all seem to be content to play Crypt stereotypes. James Remar adds another gravelly voiced thug to his resumé as Red lurches from plot point to plot point and at least he gets to have a sweaty, spirited sex scenes with Prince’s ex, Vanity, for his troubles.
As for Vanity herself, she also gets to play a stock Tales character of the trophy wife whose allegiances prove to be shakier than a bobble-head in an earthquake, but like Remar, she seems to just be content to just play the stereotype and be done with it. We don’t even get any acting fireworks from John Rhys-Davies, who again seems quite game to just turn up and read his lines, which is a shame as we all know the dude can chew the scenery when he needs to – but then, I guess everyone is going to feel subdued when Hooper has such an extreme setpiece up his sleeve.
While I grant you that the sequence doesn’t make a whole lot of sense (water worms are microscopic parasites in the blood, not bloody great meal worms congregating in the torso like some sort of invertebrate flash mob), you can’t deny that the carving open of Duvall is pretty spectacular, especially considering that this is a TV show that was broadcast in 1991. Watching Red root around in his former boss’ worm infected guts is awesomely repugnant and having him locate the black pearl in the intestine and slice it out is the cherry on a gruesome cake. It may sound a bit low-brow to suggest that the episode is somewhat salvaged by an extreme instance of gore, but considering it’s the only part of the episode that manages to reach the gonzo heights Tobe Hooper was known for, I guess we have to give credit where credit is due. It’s just a shame that non-horror directors seem to be doing a better job of nailing their episodes than bona-fide horror legends are.
A so-so episode gets shaken awake by a last ditch gore sequence that almost salvages the day. However, dreary plotting, fun-free performances and a half-hearted final twist unite to create an episode that wastes both it’s cast and director. Come for the gore, stay for the Whoopie vs Crypt Keeper bookend, but if you’re hoping that the show helps Hooper find his footing, you’ll be waiting for a dead-long time.
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