Remember when you first saw Blade? God, that was a fucking cool experience, wasn’t it? Remember how you thrilled when Stephen Norrington not only tweaked the Marvel comic, but streamlined and modernized the vampire myth and then let Wesley fucking Snipes loose on all of it with awesome, bloody, groundbreaking results?
In many ways, Hollywood has been playing catch up ever since, desperately trying to bottle lightning by harnessing various, classic horror characters and giving them the superhero treatment and as a result, numerous, misshapen, action/fantasy hybrids have staggered out of the lab, hoping to be as embraced as fondly as Snipes’ shades wearing daywalker.
However, be it Van Helsing, Dracula Untold The Last Witch Hunter or the entire Underworld saga, all have sucked harder than a gluttonous vampire, but possibly none have sucked more than I, Frankenstein.
Using Mary Shelley’s novel as a launching off point (something that doubtlessly had the author spinning in her grave at 4000 rpm), we find out that not too long after their fateful showdown in the arctic, Frankenstein is returned home and buried in his family’s plot by his hulking, scarred creation. However, while the misshapen being contemplates what the hell he’s going to do with the rest of his miserable existence, an answer presents himself when he’s attacked by a couple of inhuman assailants which, in turn, sees him get involved in possibly the most goofiest, fucking supernatural war you’ve ever heard of.
You ready? Get this: for centuries there has been a secret war raging between the forces of good and evil in the form of Gargoyles and Demons. The Gargoyles were created by the Archangel Michael in order to protect humanity and that’s why they hang around on church rooftops (no, really), but over the multitude of years, their numbers have steadily been dwindling as the demon threat has grown. Led by the Gargoyle Queen, Leonore, she spares Frankenstein’s creation and even gives him a name, Adam, but that still doesn’t stop the moody bugger disappearing into the wilderness to hide from his demonic pursuers for the next 200 years.
However, Adam resurfaces once again and makes his way back into the modern, human world with the questionable reasoning that “If the demons could find me in the wilderness, it was only a matter of time before they found me here. Which is why I had to find them first.” – guess Frankenstein didn’t equip the dude with much common sense to go with those muscles.
Before you know it, Adam is chin deep in Gargoyles, demons and a plot to find his creator’s journal in order to enact a plan that could spell the end of everything – but after meeting up with typically attractive scientist Terra Wade, he realises that hatred of humans comes second to his dislike of the apocalypse.
Ok – first a brief history lesson. I, Frankenstein started life as a digital-only graphic novel written by Kevin Grevioux – probably best know as the mountainous werewolf from Underworld (which he also co-created) – and it eventually became a movie written and directed by Stuart Beattie, one of the screen writers behind the original Pirates Of The Caribbean. If you’re wondering while I’m wasting precious review time laying out a ponderous history, it’s only because I, Frankenstein does exactly the same with its ridiculously convoluted backstory that is ponderously laid out, non-stop over the entirety of its running time which somehow leaves zero space for levity, characterization or even a modicum of legitimate fun. It’s a common complaint among modern fantasy films that desperately try to ensnare edgy pre-teens with its moody, gothic, superheroics, but you’d think that someone who helped birth Captain Jack Sparrow into the world would understand how important it is to let your world breathe, if only for just a moment.
As a result, I, Frankenstein ends up being possibly the most shallow and drab fantasy/superhero/horror movie that’s ever existed, its stern, stoic countenance grating uncomfortably against the fact that its premise is spectacularly fucking stupid.
I’m not sure exactly how Grevioux came up such a relentlessly silly concept (I’m guessing he bounced some ideas to some seven years olds and then sat down to write after partaking in herculean amounts of weed), but the fact that the movie decides to try and play this shit straighter than a David Fincher movie proves to be disastrous.
What’s even more disconcerting is that the movie has a conspicuously string cast, none of which are able to infuse a single bit of life into the thing despite obviously trying. Horrendous miscast as the lead is Aaron Eckhart as a curiously dashing-looking Frankenstein who looks like he should be stalking along a catwalk rather than cursing humanity while living in the woods like an animal and sustaining his growly, Batman voice means he’s regrettably unable to stick his tongue into his cheek where it belongs. Elsewhere, it’s obvious that Bill Nighy enjoyed appearing in all those Underworkd movies way more than we enjoyed watching them as he once again takes bad guy duty once more as he alternates between draaaaaaawing out eeeeeevery liiiiine and dramatically stopping his sentences with a flourish-ah to achieve maximum camp villainy. On the side of the angel (literally) we find Miranda Otto doubling down on trying to give this shit as much gravitas as she can muster while fellow aussie Jai Courtney glowers from beneath a British accent as her number two – in more ways than one.
As the movie swoops from one samey action sequence to another while somehow failing to thrill for even a fraction of a second, you start to wonder why the money (65 million of it apparently) wasn’t better spent realising a live action version of Disney’s animated Gargoyles series which, while isn’t all that different plot wise, but at least would surely be way more fun than this.
Good points? *Long sigh* I guess the CGI is fairly slick for this sort of thing, but all the shots of demons bursting into flames after being “decended” just goes to prove this movie desperately wants to be Blade for tweens. Shame it ended up being Blade: Trinity instead.
Barren Frankenstein.
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