Back in 2002, Luc Besson’s seemingly never ending goal to turn every, random, adolescent idea hes ever had into flashy, eccentric, middle-of-the-road actioners hit something of a blinder when it took a muscular, balding, jobbing British actor named Jason Statham and helped turn him from being one of Guy Richie’s stock actors (and one time Olympic diver) into a legitimate action hero whose name carries some legitimate weight. The movie was The Transporter and despite a plot that was as logically water tight as a moist paper bag, the colourful visuals and lively, Jackie Chan-esque fighting scenes managed to become as addictive to 2000s action nuts as a KFC bucket meal liberally dusted with cocaine.
A sequel was as inevitable as death, taxes or the Stath needlessly removing his shirt mid-fight – but with the previous movie’s co-director, Louis Leterrier, now promoted to full director, could this second ride of the Transporter manage to push the random bullshit envelope like never before?
We rejoin the anal, rules obsessed, car proud Frank Martin after he has ditched the French Riviera for the equally sun kissed Maimi, Florida – however, as a favour to a friend, Frank has also nixed his illegal wheelman-for-hire work to play temporary chauffeur to the young child of a wealthy, but strained couple. Despite the drop in danger of his day to day work, we still see that Frank hasn’t missed a step after a random scene that sees him nonchalantly hospitalise a bunch of car jackers without breaking a sweat on that muscular bald dome of his, but soon danger goes out of its way to find him when his young ward is suddenly kidnapped by a group of high-end criminals. Their aim seems to be to inject little Jack with a mystery compound and them whisk him away somewhere to wait for the ransom, but Frank suspects that more ridiculous plans are afoot due to how much carnage scantily clad henchwoman, Lola, manages to cause despite the target being a small child.
With the authorities convinced that Frank’s involved somehow thanks to his salty past, our punch-happy hero figures that he’s going to have to sort shit out on his own by beating as many villains into submission as he possibly can to unravel this conspiracy of experimental, time release viruses, explosions and gun wielding women who dress like they’ve just strutted off the stage of the Moulin Rouge and in doing so he butts heads with grinning ringleader Gianni Chellini and a whole host of heavies.
Thankfully, Frank’s still more than capable at bringing the pain as he inflicts his iron will with the aid of fire hoses, coconuts and the sort of cartoonish driving skills that would even seem far fetched if you accidentally pulled them off while playing Mario Kart. The only thing Frank is Transporting this time is an all mighty ass-whupping.
I think no one was surprised to find that Transporter 2 had about as much respect for actual, human physics as an Anime animator would have if they were working in a studio with a very serious gas leak, however, now free to direct an entire installment of his own (the first movie shared directing duties with Corey Yuen) Leterrier managed to deliver an outrageouslycartoonish kick/punch/drive ’em up that easily made some of the earlier Fast And Furious installments play like Mike Leigh. Essentially freed from the seemingly restrictive needs of actually setting up any actual character, Transporter 2 launches off from the starting line like a whippet with a rocket up its arse and doesn’t really consider slowing down at all until long after the credits have rolled.
The closest we get to Statham actually having to put in any thespian work is yet another scene of him laying down his unbreakable rules (which, like before, he manages to all break over the next hour and thirty minutes) and some more human moments while he cares for young Jack and comforts the hot wife of Matthew Modine’s rageaholic senator. However, we aren’t here to watch the Stath gallantly fix a marriage or be good with kids, we’re here to watch him engage in a whole bunch of laughable action scrapes that try to match the eccentric energy of 80s era Jackie Chan that sees the movie do everything in its power to avoid a simple, average, one-on-one fight on normal, flat ground.
Yuen may not be fully directing this time around, but he’s still in firm control of the fight choreography and the series of outlandish brawls prove to be the life and soul of a deeply silly movie. Statham is in limber shape to visibly do a large share of the skull cracking and Yuen gives each fight it’s own gimmick to stop things getting too repetitive, but while there’s nothing here as hilariously bizarre in this film as the sight of our hero stripping off and coating himself in oil in order to deliver a slippery kicking, we still have Frank taking out a group of thugs with a fire hose (the nut shot is sublime), disabling a bunch of cops by turning their own handcuffs against them and matching brawn with a huge rastafarian by slipping coconuts onto his mitts to increase his already formidable punching power. Whenever the movie is rattling on, heavily drunk on its own stupid, Transporter 2 proves to be a fun, if utterly disposable ride, however, when the movie is forced to take breaths in order to try and force along a completely nonsensical plot (Road Runner cartoons have more substance), attention drops noticably. For example, rather than asking you to name Alessandro Gassmann’s villain from memory right now, I defy you name him five minutes after you learn his name in the film and the only memorable thing about Kate Nauta face-licking, bullet spraying henchwoman is her attire – or should I say lack thereof – which unavoidably sets off a couple of alarms when you consider that Luc Besson’s attitudes to women has been heavily criticised as of late (and don’t get me started on the weirdly sexualised schoolgirl who participates in the opening carjacking). However, the cameo of Statham’s old Lock Stock mucker Jason Flemyng is a nice touch…
Elsewhere, we find that some of the more effects laden action sequences suffer incredibly when compared to the fighting when it’s forced to rely on CGI that would have seemed iffy back in the days of James Cameron’s The Abyss. In fact, to prove my point, a final battle which takes place in an out of control jet should work thanks to the actors shooting on an actual rotating set, however, once we cut to the exterior the film features a computer generated plane so badly rendered, it looks as real as one of the cartoon characters from Space Jam.
But maybe that’s the point. Maybe, thanks to an utter disinterest of resembling anything close to reality, the joke’s on us and we’re supposed to go from laughing with, to laughing at Transporter 2 at the drop of a brawny hat. Is it a good action movie? I wouldn’t say so, not in a conventional sense; but when compared to the type of vapid actioner the decade frequently turned out, it definitely manages to transport you into the realms of dumb-ass fun and that’s all it needs to do.
Remember, rule one is to respect the car – not the movie.
🌟🌟🌟
We Have Issues 