While I wouldn’t say I’m an expert of classic Kung-Fu (far from it, but I’m trying to learn) I do know crazy when I see it – for someone who has greatly enjoyed various insane supernatural action films from Asia (The Story Of Ricky, Encounters Of The Spooky Kind, Mr. Vampire, The Seventh Curse) I might have to go out on a limb and say that The Nine Demons (aka. The Nine Venoms) may actually be the most bugshit mental of them all. Despite only knowing that it was directed by Chang Cheh, who gave us the flamboyantly eccentric The Five Venoms and Five Element Ninjas, I went into The Nine Demons completely ignorant of what was about to unfold before my disbelieving eyes.
What I was expecting was a standard Kung-Fu flick about a bloody feud between martial arts schools and tough lessons about responsibility and maturity born through vengeance – what I got was a crazed slice of epic camp that genuinely felt like someone had swapped my medication with LSD.
Needless to say, I fucking loved it.
Best friends Joey and Gary (don’t worry, we’ll get to those names later) are a couple of young, virile martial artists from the house of Gan Yun who aren’t shy of starting the odd massive brawl in the streets in order to stand up for what they believe in. However, like many of Kung-Fu movies, there are forces plotting against their fathers who wish to supplant them at the top of the martial art good chain and embrace the respect and riches that come with it. But after an attempt to poison the two heads of the house of Gan Yun goes a bit Pete Tong, the multi-pronged betrayal results in a massive battle that leaves Gary captured, Joey on the run and their fathers pushing up more daisies than a weight lifting florist.
However, as his fleeing ass tumbles into the hereafter, Joey finds a lifeline offered in the form of the devil himself who gives him the standard vengeance package deal that comes with superpowers, a costume that unwisely blends orange and purple and a necklace made of nine skulls that have the unnerving habit of suddenly flying throufh the air abd turning into eight acrobatic demon children and one slinky succubus who all have an insatiable lust for human blood. Armed with this majestically camp arsenal, Joey is able to rescue Gary and track down each and every person connected with his betrayal. However matters soon start to get complicated when his demonic exploits soon blow back on ol’ Gazza and has unforseen ramifications that only make things worse. Speaking of worse, while the son of the brainchild behind the whole thing renounces his family for what they did to the house of Gan Yun, he just can’t stand idly by while Joey uses his unfair demon advantage to slaughter his dad. Will Joey lose his soul forever as his demonic razzle dazzle fully takes hold.
If you’re confused as to why an 1984 Kung-Fu movie filmed in Cantonese and set during ancient times contains two characters named Joey and Gary, I’ve a slight confession to make. While I genuinely aim to review versions of foreign movies in their original languages via subtitles, the version of The Nine Demons I witnessed comes compete with arguably the worst English dubbing I’ve ever heard and turns an already deranged viewing experience into something approaching Kung Pow! Enter The Fist. While this is an obvious lesson I should have learned while trawling for movies on Tubi, there is absolutely no way that however was responsible wasn’t trying to take the absolute piss – hence why two of the main characters are named Gary and Joey.
However, while I would usually urge any viewers out there who actually listen to a word I type to steer clear of any type of dubbing, The Nine Demons proves to be such a bizarre experience on its own, that the mismatched voices, random accents and surreal dialogue ends up taking the completely unhinged nature of the film to the next level and beyond. Also, I can’t rightfully claim that the legendarily awful dub track manages to thwart Chang Cheh’s original vision when so much of it is an utter orgy of scattershot lunacy. Containing a decent slice of his crew from Venoms, the fighting sequences a big, brash and very, very long (the final brawl feels like it goes on for at least a tight fourth minutes), but they’re undeniably spectacular, even if one of them features all of its combatants flailing around on water skis as they all try to fight on the surface of a small lake that’s blatently a modified paddling pool.
People regularly fight off dozens of enemies at a time; at one point, the final conflict takes place on top of a lattice of bamboo erected eight feet in the air and then there’s the sight of “Joey” (in reality, actor Ricky Cheng Tien-chi who seems to be wearing Zooey Deschanel’s bangs), whizzing around the place, teleporting with the power of clumsy jump cuts, vanquishing his enemies while disco lights frantically dazzle up the room. However, while the martial skills of both the present Venoms and Cheh easily impress, it’s the supernatural element of the film that causes it to yank the wheel of sanity hard to the right and send the entire enterprise flying off the road of logic into the gorge of insanity below.
The minute Joey shows up in the Black Paradise in front of a devil who looks like he’s about to head out and celebrate Pride, things take a phantasmagorical shift from your typical, Shawn Brothers type epic into something far more off kilter. For example, watching Joey’s living necklace of demon skulls suddenly fly off his neck and start circling the room like Satan’s Aerobie, they then detach and zip about the place, fastening themselves to the jugulars of their victims like the spheres from Phantasm. But it doesn’t stop there as those Skull often assume human form as a trope of child acrobats that giggle incessantly like Evil Dead Deadites as they flip and tumble about the place like a bad trip at a Cirque du Soleil Vegas show. While your brain is struggling to process this, Cheh also mercilessly assaults you with frantic disco lights and a piercing soundtrack that disorientates you so much, it feels like you’re watch the Kung-Fu equivalent of getting tortured at Guantanamo Bay. Of course, with the atrocious dubbing laid on top of that, what you end up with is a full blown freak out that tops the madcap scale and will no doubt utterly confound anyone not up for the experience.
However, if there’s one thing that Chang Cheh does well, it’s making needlessly flamboyant “camp-fu” utterly fucking awesome and while much of what goes on here is undeniably ridiculous, it’s certainly not dull and it’s definitely not like anything you’ve seen before. I mean, we’ve seen the Faust thing quite a few times, but I don’t ever remember Spawn, Ghost Rider or Dorian Grey ever dressing like a colour clashing glam rocker and allowing their jewellery to suck people’s blood, do you? With subtlety never being an option, you might as well go for the most chaotic version available; and with history’s most absurd dubtrack at your fingertips, you might as well go full force to make Cheh’s psychedelic brain fucker the most eye-popping Kung-Fu trip you’re ever likely to take.
If you won’t do it for me, please, for the love of God, do it for Gary.
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