So, to put it mildly, I’ve never been a fan of the original xXx. Oh hey, I’m fully on board with filmmakers trying to come up with colourful alternatives to the Bond franchise that all seem to become hideously dated around two weeks after being released in theaters, but the major issue I had with the hyperbolic spy movie from 2002 was with the tray surfing, shaggy coat wearing superspy himself. Actually, to be even clearer, the real issue is how overwhelmingly smug Vin Diesel was for the entirety of the movie as his know-it-all chicken magnet felt less like a character and more like an alarming ego stroke that left the same kind of bad taste in your mouth than if Logan Paul was announced as the next 007.
However, as Diesel in those days was abandoning franchises like turtles ditch their unhatched offspring, a new xXx had to be selected on order to carry on the torch that not too many people actually wanted kept lit. Of course that’s before the mantle was taken over by Ice Cube of all people and while I’m not here to tell you that watching Doughboy from Boyz N The Hood save America from evil is the be all and end all of action cinema, it is pretty fucking funny…
When a bunch of heavily armed assailants assault a secret, underground NSA bunker run by Augustus Gibbons, the scarfaced agent barely escapes with his life and the life of irritating gadget guy, Toby Shavers, it’s decided that the only way to retaliate is to enlist a new xXx that has more attitude that the previous designate could ever hope for. With the previous xXx apparently killed offscreen, Gibbons sniffs out a former comrade in the form of scowling, ex-Navy SEAL Darius Stone who is currently in the midst of a twenty year prison sentence for apparently being too badass (and breaking the jaw of a superior officer).
Before he gets to work cracking a major conspiracy that could possibly threaten the stability of the entire United States, Stone first heads back to the hood to reconnect with his old crew and stoke up some serious flirting with old flame petrol head, Lola; but once he finally gets his head in the game, xXx 2.0 soon gets to work re-infiltrating that NSA bunker in order to gather up some much needed evidence
However, it seems that the mastermind of what could be an attempted internal coup against the American president is Secretary of Defence George Deckert who just so happens to be the owner of the jaw Darius once broke and with Gibbons suddenly taken out of action, it’s down to the new xXx to save the motherfuckin’ day. Of course, while this once meant crazy bike stunts followed by some off-putting self promotion, this time it involves launching tanks off of an aircraft carrier, chasing a bullet train through Washington in a car at speeds of 225 mph and stating “God bless America” while weilding a gun big enough to put a hole through the moon.
Genuinely good/bad movies are fun to watch, but by fuck are they a pain to review; for a start watching a movie that’s put together so stupidly proves to be as intensely subjective as any other form of art. Where some see bad camerawork, primitive effects, clunky acting and infantile plotting as a massive cinematic turnoff as toothy oral sex, others treat such movies as counter-culture stealth comedies where such things become towering virtues. That still doesn’t explain how to properly rate them though – do you go by the (admittedly accidental) joy they bring you as you bray like a donkey at their many filming faux pas and rate them on that, or do you condemn their lack of filmmaking skills while assuring the reader that the woefully low amount of stars given doesn’t mean you won’t have a good time. It’s a tough call – no one wants to unironically give Enter The Ninja four stars even though it’s an absolute hoot to watch – and it’s one I’ve frequently gotten wrong; however, that hasn’t stopped me from giving xXx: State Of The Union a ludicrously high three fucking stars. Allow me to explain…
If this movie had any other action in the lead role – and I do mean any other actor – the second coming of xXx would have been virtually unwatchable in a way that bad action movies made during the early 00s tended to be. You know what I mean – frantic music video editing, PS2 generation CGI, minimal drama, flat action setpieces – but while State Of The Union certainly has its problems, the decision to plonk Ice Cube in as an action hero is such a bizarrely genius move, the entire film feels more like a feature length skit you would usually find on Funny Or Die during its heyday. In fact I truly believe that’s what at least someone on the crew was making (possibly without the knowledge of anyone else involved) and the result is a spy movie so utterly ridiculous, it had me laughing harder than most legitimate comedies.
The plot, such as it is, is standard domestic terrorist stuff that sees an attempt to overthrow the US government from within that plays very much like Captain America: The Winter Soldier for YouTube brats as a scarred, pre-Nick Fury Samuel L. Jackson tries to avert disaster while he waits for his check to cash.
We’re told that the previous xXx has been killed in Bora Bora which immediately puts us in a better mood even before Ice Cube inadvertently causes the President Of The Unites States of America to quote Tupac in his climatic address to the nation. It’s fairly standard exaggerated spy stuff that even comes complete with Willem Dafoe treating his villainous Secretary of Defence as if he’s actually in a real movie despite giving him lines to scream like: “I think of you every time I chew steak!” – but while it’s all just a thinly veiled excuse to throw some far fetched action out there, the main thing that seals the deal is Ice Cube himself.
Now I’m not saying that the former member of NWA can’t handle himself if things got physical and I’m certainly not saying that the man lacks charisma, but the fact we’re supposed to believe that Ice Cube was a Navy SEAL when he’s built more like baby seal is only the first of many audacious acts of bullshit this movie demands you swallow and each one proves to be funnier than the last. As the film progresses, it becomes clear that Darius Stone is supposed to be the ultimate badass who can do literally everything except change his one facial expression which remains locked on his trademark sneer. He literally enters every scene with the same energy no matter what it actually requires – action scene? Sneer. Exposition? Sneer. Romantic moment? You best believe he’s coming in hot with a sneer and it soon becomes hypnotic. The action also comes with that “urban” twang as various vehicles are carjacked in order to save America including two tanks on two completely separate occasions (tank jacking sounds utterly filthy when taken out of context). But even when Darius is engaging in some sort of impossible fuckery, he still acts like he’s in the preamble of a music video as we waits for his rapping to start.
So who’s responsible for this weird, possibly imaginary, subversive comedic streak? Is it Cube? Unlikely, even though the twinkle in his eye indicates that he’s genuinely stoked to be there. Is it director Lee Tamahori? Possibly, as this film is bafflingly more fun than his official crack at Bond with Die Another Day. But whoever is responsible, xXx: State Of The Union ends up a far superior sequel due to countless reasons that may have been solely made up by my fucked up sense of humour.
Cube³.
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