Doesn’t it feel sometimes that concocting a screenplay feels like someone frantically trying to invent a brand new cocktail from scratch? The act of throwing numerous ingredients into a shaker and then mixing the shit out of them in the hope that they compliment each other feels less like an artist plying their trade and more like someone desperately trying to make something stick that’ll hopefully sell. A good, – but all but forgotten – example of this is 2008s Outlander, a film that frantically is trying to add a slice of lime and a cocktail umbrella to a robust mixture of Beowulf, Predator and hint of Dragonslayer in the hopes that it’ll good down smooth.
The result was a sci-fi adventure movie that was reassuringly solid; and yet it seemed destined lie alongside films such as Pathfinder and The Thirteenth Warrior, on a list of viking movies destined to never witness the glory of Valhalla. A fair fate, or is it simply the will of Odin?
After a crashlanding alien spacecraft ploughs into the dirt of Scandinavia on 709 AD, we find that the only humanoid survivor is Kainan, a spaceman who prepares for his new surroundings by handily downloading the local language directly into his brain and wanders off to scout the land. He soon discovers that the destructive stowaway that caused his ship to crash has not only survived, but has decided to get back to its old, murderous habits by slaughtering a nearby village; however, while looking for this bloodthirsty creature, Kainan is captured and accused of the carnage by Wulfric, a headstrong warrior from a neighbouring village. Dragged into the kingdom of the aging King Hrothgar and his willful daughter, Freya, Kainan wisely downplays his intergalactic origins, but does warn them about his inhuman passenger, an incredibly aggressive organism known as the Moorwen that dazzled its victims with bioluminescence before obliterating them with its lashing tail.
The vikings might not truly believe Kainan’s claims of a “dragon” stalking the woods surrounding the village, but after fending off an attack and saving the king from a bear, the alien soon gains their trust and all the manly, viking drinking games that tend go along with it. However, there’s other issues to worry about beyond leaping on shields like Super Mario and not only do they have to repel a revenge attack by Gunnar, the king of the destroyed village, but it soon becomes apparent that the Moorwen is pregnant, something that could ultimately spell doom for everyone.
Trying to bring the various villages together to fight the Moorwen, Kainan hopes to settle a personal score with the kill-crazy predator while seemingly courting the comely Freya. But with only swords and spears to aid them in their fight against a hulking, glowing, space-lizard, can even a spaceman lead the vikings to victory?
Setting aside the fact that it shares a title with a far more beloved tv show about a time travelling nurse, I’m always frequently surprised at how completely slept on Outlander frequently is – I mean, I’m not suggesting that it’s some sort of buried masterpiece that we’ve somehow all missed, but as ignored sci-fi adventure films go, this tale of vikings vs aliens is about as undemandingly solid as it gets. For a start, the film treats its potentially hokey concept as about as respectfully as it gets, treating the recycled plot with an admirable amount of gravity and with Jim “Jesus Christ” Caviezel taking the lead, we find that he has a little more luck convincing vikings about his otherworldly origins than he did the Pharisees.
From here, the movie really just is every inch what you’d expect a film labeled “Predator meets Beowulf” to be like and if I’m being truly honest, any true surprises are few and far between. Even a late-in-the-day appearance of Ron Pearlman will cause precisely no eyebrows to raise primarily because I think there’s some sort of federal law in place to guarantee that he’s cast in these kinds of movies – although I will say that the casting of John Hurt as a viking king works far better than it’s sounds. Anyway, the plot progresses as if on rails, hitting every story beat you’d expect it to and encompasses Kainan’s checkered past with the Moorwen (classic dead wife and child trope) and an early capture and questioning that soon morphs into mutual respect. It’s all taken page by page from the outsider-joins-a-new-tribe playbook; Kainen befriends a near-mute child orphan (there’s one in every village, apparently); he catches the eye of a fiesty shield maiden; the rivalry he has with the cocky king-in-waiting soon turns to bromance and he soon climbs up the social ladder from prisoner to potential king.
However, while as predictable as it all is, director Howard McCain proves to be capable at still wringing out the derring-do to a decent degree even if it often feels woefully derivative.
However, as often as it is with such genre blenders, there’s a sense that Outlander isn’t actually quite certain who it’s supposed to be made for. The basic plot feels tailor made to be sort of a PG-13, gateway movie to evoke future endeavours into something more extreme, and yet the movie keeps resorting to semi-frequent bursts of extreme gore that weirdly seem out of place. Maybe McCain was hoping he had the next Pitch Black on his hands and wanted to lean into more mature violence, but while I do enjoy a bit of cinematic bloodletting, the squirting neck stumps and body pits right out of the Hills Have Eyes remake feels weirdly like the flick is trying to compensate for something instead of following its natural instincts.
Also, while the Moorwen boasts a decent design, some overly shiny CGI and a weird, slight resemblance to The Relic’s Kothoga stops it from being a memorable member of the monster mob. Sure it glows, spits out babies and fucks up vikings with its whiplashing tail, but it just doesn’t have enough character to rub shoulders with the greats and I have to admit that it’s eventual demise is something of a let down considering the build up it gets.
Still, the only real issue with Outlander is that it never manages to step out of the predictable parameters it’s sets itself. While it’s undeniably a fun watch, you could probably predict all the plot twists and character deaths accurately and in order about 20 minutes in. While the cast shepherds the story well and McCain keeps things looking nice and glossy, Outlander simply can’t find it within itself to be outlandish enough…
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