OK, I have to admit something. Despite being a huge fan of Tales From The Crypt, I had utterly forgotten that a third film existed that had spun out from the game changing, HBO horror anthology. Actually, I say that, but opinion still seems to be out on whether or not Jamaca-set, 2002 horror flick, Ritual, is actually an official entry in the Tales From The Crypt cinematic cannon. Letterboxd claims it is thanks to it stubbonly popping up in my unwatched franchise section, however, Wikipedia seems less certain asserting that the Crypt Keeper segments were filmed afterward as an afterthought which certainly explains why they look so damn cheap.
However, if you’re going to stick the Crypt Keeper in dreadlocks (or, “deadlocks” according to him) and have him announce the movie you’re about to watch, then I’m going to consider you a full-fledged Crypt movie no matter what. But if you’re hoping to experience a horror extravaganza on the level of Ernest Dickerson’s awesome Demon Knight, or even goofy chaos on the level of Gilbert Adler’s Bordello Of Blood, then I’ve got some bad news for you…
After her determined attitude sees her medical licence revoked, Dr. Alice Dodgson has no choice but to reply for a job offer that requires her to bop on over to Jamacia to care for the sickly, but wealthy, Wesley Claybourne. While his brother, Paul, hopes that Alice can aid Wesley as he suffers his way through encephalitis, Wesley has a far more sinister explanation for his illness: he believes he’s gradually turning into a zombie.
Obviously Alice is sceptical, but as she slowly gets accumulated to the area (along with discovering what pum-pum means), she finds that her patient and anyone who aids him soon falls under the sway of a Voodoo cult that’s already caused the death of Wesley’s previous doctor. Aided by highly seed, local sculpter, Caro, Alice soon begins to find out that all the stuff she’s heard about black magic is real and induced hallucinations of spiders, monstrous vines and even melting alive in extreme heat can kill you outright for real.
Can Alice manage to get to the bottom of this bizarre, Voodoo conspiracy that not only is claiming lives, but also seems to effect the highly corrupt local police? Maybe if everyone had a quick watch of Wes Craven’s The Serpent And The Rainbow, they’d all manage to save themselves (and us) some time. But among all the Voodoo paraphernalia, grisly visions and the sight of Tim Curry perving on every girl in sight, is there a more disturbing and troubling than the sound of The Crypt Keeper adopting a comedy Jamican accent and saying “mon” alot while he oggles girls in bikinis like a 70s Bond villain?
Nope, didn’t think so…
While Ritual proves to something of an ignominious end for the Tales From The Crypt franchise (the series had came to an end in 1996), it manages to have some even weirder roots in so far that it’s actually supposed to be a remake of Jacques Tourneur’s 1943 classic, I Walked With A Zombie. Of course, the original didn’t have a deadlocked corpse cracking wise in an ill advised accent, a man melting to death in the first five minutes and the movie taking every chance that it can to feature the lead actresses noticably prominent nipples, but this tip into pulp doesn’t actually help matters much. As a matter of fact, Ritual is a film that strangely finds itself trapped between its two, very different, influences as its far too trashy to be a satisfying remake of a forties classic and it’s way too tame to make it as a memorable Tales From The Crypt entry. As I mentioned before, Avi (Doppelganger) Nesher’s rather sloppy Voodoo tale can barely hold a candle to the scrappy Bordello Of Blood, let alone stand shoulder to shoulder with the gonzo brilliance of Demon Knight and there’s a noticable air of cheapness that hangs around the project.
In fact, right from the word go, that low-rent feeling is full in effect when we greet a Crypt Keeper that seems to be a little… off. Yes, getting voice actor John Kassir to do a highly dubious Jamacian accent isn’t exactly the Keeper’s finest hour, but the puppeteering is also so stiff that it looks like our hideous host has a broom stuck up his backside. While I would also say that all the leering at babes in bikinis also seems out of place, when you see the constant state of undress of lead actress Jennifer Grey (yep, that’s right; Dirty Dancing’s Jennifer Grey), it soon starts to make a whole lot more sense.
In fact, as prominent a role as the actress plays, it still can’t hope to be as prominent as her nipples which stick out so much, you’ll wonder why they didn’t stick “Baby” in the corner to warm herself next to some sort of heater. Still, the actress certainly seems game, hurling herself into writhing Voodoo dances, violently recoiling at horror at some nasty, induced hallucinations and trying to convince as a doctor despite her clothing getting reduced with every subsequent scene.
But despite the filmmakers attempts to try to get the most out of Grey (so to speak), there’s the sense that Ritual is a dance that never truly gets started. Despite a gooey (imagined) meltdown of a supporting character right out of the gate, the movie doesn’t seem overly keen to get its hands dirty, but the problem is that it’s reheated whodunit plot (or should that be Voodunit?) simply isn’t anywhere gripping enough to make up for the lack of typical, Crypt gore. Also, it’s ironic that for a movie about the Voodoo brand of zombies, most of the supporting cast also look like they’re under a powder induced trance. Craig Sheffer looks constantly distracted as if he’s desperately trying to remember his agent’s number; Daniel Lapaine seems lost altogether and Kristen Wilson’s Jamacian accent might actually be worse than the Crypt Keeper’s. But thankfully good sport Tim Curry is on hand to appreciate the constant view of scantily clad women near him and enjoy a sunny busman’s holiday, so at least someone’s having fun – even if it ain’t us.
I mentioned Wes Craven’s The Serpent And The Rainbow earlier and if I had to throw out a quick description of Ritual, it’s that it resembles that 1987 movie if it was remade as a Tubi Original.
As unofficial last gasps go, the final Tales From The Crypt movie is a fairly undignified exit, both as an abandoned arm of the TV series, a stand alone horror, or as a remake of a 40s classic and even the Crypt Keeper, who throughout his career had to suffer such indignities as electrocution, decapitation and having Arnold Schwarzenegger organize his workout routine, has never been quite so embarrassed. But even if Ritual wasn’t a Crypt jam, it would still be a pretty poor showing for virtually everyone involved as they’re mesmerised by that old black magic known as bad filmmaking.
More like Voodon’t.
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