Over the years, Pamela Voorhees’ baby boy has amassed an eyebrow raising array of kills over the entirety of the Friday The 13th franchise making him the most prolific cinematic slasher who ever stalked. As fans endlessly wait for the struggle for the series’s rights to be straightened out so we can get another episode where Big Jay can strut his stuff, I thought I’d compile a list of his most spectacular slaughters that ever splattered the silver screen. But first, some ground rules: as this is a list of Jason’s kills, that means all of the hard work of Ms. Voorhees from the original, Jason imposter Roy from Part 5 and anyone possessed by the big guy in Jason Goes To Hell is disqualified by default (so no arrow through Kevin Bacon’s neck… sorry). So sit back, smoke some weed and engage in some premarital sex and relive some of the more outlandish offings you’ll ever have the pleasure to dismember…
5. Back Breaking Work… (Freddy Vs. Jason – 2003)
Proof that Jason will never have a lucrative side-gig as a chiropractor, this memorable moment has our boy repeatedly stab toxic prick Trey in the spine with his machete. However, deeming this nowhere near conclusive enough, Jason then proceeds to grab the ends of the bed Trey is lying on and folds it shut, folding the teen completely in half. While this isn’t the first time a Friday The 13th film has seen our antagonist carelessly manipulate a spine or two (in Part 6 he breaks a sherriff in half like a pretzel), it’s by far the more brutal and strangely satisfying version seen to date.
4. Knocking A Block Off… (Friday The 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan – 1989)
A great kill from a lesser entry, the rooftop showdown between a NY touring Jason and boxing progeny Julius works so well because the set up is so perfect. Both presumably relieved that they’re finally off the ship that takes up the majority of a film that has Manhattan in the title, Julius decides to put his boxing skills to the ultimate test in order to buy time for his friends to escape. It starts off rather well, with Julius building up a healthy lead on points as his rights, hooks and combos manage to drive Jason right the way back to the edge of the roof. However, much to everyone’s suprise it seems like Jason is a fan of the rope-a-dope maneuver and after Julius has completely punched himself out, his opponent winds up and let’s fly with a blow that takes the teen’s head clean off. No need for a 10 count here…
3. Ice, Ice, Baby… (Jason X – 2001)
Being set in the future allowed Jason X to pull off some of the most mental assassinations of Jason’s long and varied career – but surely the best of these must be the scene where our hockey-masked horror-meister awakes four hundred and forty five years after being cryogenically frozen and takes out his morning grumps on unsuspecting student Adrienne. After having her screaming head dunked into a sink full of liquid nitrogen, we watch her unbelieving face freeze completely solid only for Jason to yank her out and shatter her skull on the table like a vase with fairly appealing bone structure. In a movie littered with goofy, sci-fi kills; this one breaks the mold… and the face.
2. It’s In The Bag… (Friday The 13th Part 7: The New Blood – 1988)
It’s universally agreed that Kane Hodder is the greatest Jason actor that ever donned the hockey mask and it’s mostly due to his impressive physical performance that infused the serial slasher with the power of a runaway freight train. While it’s also true that thanks to the meddling of the American censorship board the MPAA, Part 7 remains another lesser entry in the Friday The 13th cannon, the infamous sleeping bag kill ranks as one of Jason’s most iconic murders. After scaring a nude camper back into her sleeping bag (interesting choice, lady), Jason grabs the top of the bag shut, drags her into the woods and swings her into a tree like he’s Ty Cobb going for a home run. It’s quick, simple, brutally outlandish and utterly indicative of the sheer power Hodder was able to bring to the role.
1. Once You Pop, You Can’t Stop… (Friday The 13th Part 3 – 1982)
The Jason purists among you (there’s gotta be at least one, right?) may complain that there’s surprising lack of weapons in this list and to that I say this: I personally have always preferred Jason as the body breaking juggernaut over the knife wielding maniac in the closet – to this end I’ve selected my number one to be the first instance of Mr. Voorhees utilising his bare hands to destroy some poor unsuspecting sap. Meet Rick, he’s just popped outside to find out where everyone has gone to (spoiler: the fucking afterlife) only to fall foul of a serial killer who proceeds to crush his skull to the point where his fucking eyeball pops out into the audience like a ping pong ball at a Taiwanese sex show. The head may not be 100% convincing and the wire for the eyeball is plainly visible, but when you consider that Part 3 was shot in 3-D, you realise what a showstopper it must have been at the time.
Sure, there’s literally dozens of other deaths worthy of this list, such as the wheelchair guy from Part 2 catching a machete in the face, the handstand guy from Part 3 getting split down the middle like a deer carcass and Back To The Future’s Crispin Glover getting pinned to the sideboard by a corkscrew in Part 4, but there’s something about a really over-the-top kill that make you wanna cheer like you’re at the Superbowl. If, however, you feel like I’ve made some hideous miscalculations, be sure and let us know what your Top 5 Jason kills are, but until then: don’t go camping, don’t investigate any strange noises and try to have have a ki ki ki, ma ma ma free day…