Behind Enemy Lines: Colombia (2009) – Review

Of all the puzzling questions that arose from the Behind Enemy Lines franchise (Why does it exist? Who wanted more?), surely the most perplexing of all was why would WWE Studios suddenly jump on board and try to bankroll one of these films for seemingly no reason at all? Lest we forget (although I’d understand if you did), this,whole thing started with a fun, polished, but inessential war/action flick that saw Gene Hackman barking instructions at a terrified Owen Wilson as he struggled to stay alive after crashing his jet in the titular location. However, despite once having a sizable percentage of The Royal Tenenbaums involved, the series immediately crash landed itself into direct to DVD Hell with the cash-in sequel which retained neither the wit, nor the production values of the original.
However, worse was somehow yet to come once WWE Studios grabbed the franchise in a hammer lock as they took this as yet another opportunity to shoehorn one of their grapplers into a leading roll in the form of Ken Anderson, aka. the microphone fondling Mr. Kennedy. Could a franchise that was already dragging itself along the bottom of the barrel possibly get any lower? Oh ye of little faith…

We’re introduced to a group of meathead team of U.S. Navy SEALS as they celebrate the birthday of Lieutenant Sean Macklin with the usual cheap shots about his age and a flammable cake decoration that looks like it should be made illegal in as many countries in the world as possible. However, when the call goes out that these guys have to suit up and go on a recon mission in Coloumbia due to all the chaotic violence that’s being perpetrated by guerilla insurgents know by their Spanish acronym, FARC. However, we’re not long into the SEALs dangerous peeping mission before we realise something momentous is afoot as FARC and the Colombian army are actually engaging in peace talks that could end the fifty year long war that’s claimed countless lives.
Of course, there’d be no movie if everything actually went to plan and suddenly a third force enters the fray, machine gunning the talks, killing two of the SEALs, capturing one more and framing the surviving Americans for the attack.
Licking their wounds (not literally because that would be weird), Sean and Master Chief Carter Holt try to devise a plan that will discover who this mystery force is, retrieve their captured buddy Kevin and clear the name of the good old US of A, while Commander Scott Boytano tries to buy them more time from an understandably concerned top brass. But can a mere two men manage to successfully wage war on an entire army even if one of them is played by a pro wrestler and the other used to bully Peter Parker in highschool? Hey, this is a Behind Enemy Lines movie made by WWE’s film arm… it doesn’t exactly take a rocket scientist to figure out the correct answer.

There may be some sort of record or article floating around in the ether of the Internet explaining why on earth Vince McMahon would possibly want to sink his mitts into a franchise that had already grounded itself on the rocks of collapsed franchises with its dire second installment, but even if I read it, it still wouldn’t make sense to me. It’s not like the WWE didn’t already have a military themed franchise on their hands with the Marine 2 being released in the same year, so maybe Vince had a bunch of wrestlers who were desperate to try and become the next John Cena or something.
Well, I can tell you this much, if you really wanted to discover the next wrestling/acting superstar after John Cena or Dwayne Johnson, you probably shouldn’t have plumped for Mr fucking Kennedy, because while the dude could work a microphone in the squared circle, he has all the on-screen presence of a empty packet of crisps filled with pond water. Worse yet, despite the fact that Mr Kennedy is literally all over the cover of this movie, I was shocked to discover that the guy isn’t even the main character and instead is only a sidekick at best! The actual main character of the film turns out to be the usually reliable Joe Manganiello who has the resigned look in his eye of a man who has already figured out that he’s going to be promptly shoved off the poster in favour of a guy who is famous chiefly for yelling his stage name into a microphone. You sort of feel real bad for the guy, but on the other hand, maybe he was inadvertently lucky that he wasn’t the face of a movie so annoyingly predictable.

The film already boldly makes you hate your leads by introducing them with freeze frames and including some unfunny factoid about them like “LOVES AMERICA… THE LADIES & THE LADIES LOVE HIM!” or “BENCH PRESSED A CIVIC WHEN HE WAS 15” like we’re reading their fucking dating profiles or something, and instead of endearing us to their questionable charms, it makes them all sound like they peaked in high school despite bring members of an elite fighting unit. A small ray of light is provided by Keith David reprising his role from part 2, but this only raises more questions. For a start, why would this movie want to connect itself to its lamer predecessor and secondly, does everyone that David’s character train end up getting stranded in hostile territory?
As for the rest of the film, the story is balanced between some wonky politics that are made needlessly more complicated by some random, sloppy plot twists, some choppily edited gun fights and a whole bunch of dudes creeping through the woods and any genuine tension we could have gotten from the scenario are soon obliterated by rocket fire every time Anderson attempts a painfully dull wisecrack and I have to say, this is the only time I’d consider a Kennedy catching a bullet in the back of the head a blessing. Still, if you are a fan of a film that looks like it’s been shot on a camcorder and that throws in the occasional explosion to show that some money is being spent, you might find that this pointless drivel has some merit. However, I can’t help but wonder what actual men and women who have served and have actually seen action make of stuff like this? Does it actually stir something in them, or is it something of a slap in the face to see such life and death scenarios presented with all the gravity of a Hanna-Barbera animated short?

Maybe they see it as something of a parody that’s as divorced from reality as wrestling itself and chuckle as the script writers get everything wrong. Obviously, I can’t answer this question as the only combat I’ve seen recently is two of my downstairs neighbours arguing at 2am, but as a war film and as an action film, this is one Behind Eneny Lines that should probably FARCing stay there.
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