The Fog (2005) – Review

Much like any era of the horror genre, the great remake rush of the 2000’s came with pros and cons. While admittedly it was a time where Hollywood was possibly the most creatively destitute it had ever been, I’d be lying if I wasn’t at least a little bit amused at seeing cinemas playing do-overs of films no one had mentioned in at least 15 years. But while some managed to find their niche and exist happily alongside their superior originals (Dawn Of The Dead, The Hills Have Eyes, The Evil Dead, The Ring) a lot of others ended up being a brutal reminder while it’s often best to leave a classic alone unless you actually have something original to say.
The poster child for this ended up being Rupert (Stigmata) Wainwright’s whispy 2005 take on John Carpenter’s The Fog that frequently was held up as an example why remaking literally everything made before 1990 was such a bad idea. But over two decades after it drifted into town, did The Fog truly deserve such treatment?

The residents of Antonio Island are planing to honor the 134 year anniversary of the founding of their town, but as statues of the founding fathers are erected, some of their ancestors are getting something of a bad feeling. One of them, boat owner Nick Castle, disturbs a sack on the ocean floor that sends a old pocket watch and an ornate hairbrush to be eventually washed ashore. Meanwhile, Castle is surprised to see that his former girlfriend, Elizabeth Williams, has returned after a six month absence, but when she’s presented with the salvaged pocket watch by the town’s resident scavenger, it finally sets off a string of ghostly happenings that suggests that the founding of Antonio Island wasn’t as upstanding as it’s ancestors once thought.
As the town slowly catches on that it’s in deep shit, the ghostly crew members of a ship called the Elizabeth Dane, sail back to the island on an ethereal fog that first claims a bunch of party goers filming a Girls Gone Wild type video on a boat, and then billows inward to envelop the town. While Nick and Elizabeth randomly find clues to explain the freakish occurrences, local DJ Stevie Wayne realises that her young son, Andy, is staying in the direct path of the maurading mist and begs any listeners to help.
Soon, Antonio Island is completely shrouded in the titular haze and the crew of the Elizabeth Dane goes about getting revenge for their terrible fate, but just what did the founding father do to them, and what connection does Elizabeth have with the transparent Captain Blake?
If I’m being honest, even after seeing the film I’m not too sure, but can all the technical prowess of 2005 manage to update a movie famed for its old-school scares? Prepare to endure a remake that’ll make you all misty eyed for the far superior, 1980s version.

Maybe younger viewers may not fully appreciate exactly why Rupert Wainwright’s version of The Fog was singled out for so much hate when other remakes were plundering similarly untouchable classics, but when you compare both versions, you can see why The Fog was held up as the prime example of why remakes can be such a bad idea. To lay it out simply – the movie is just fucking pointless in virtually every single respect and while John Carpenter’s original relied on buckets of legitimate creepy atmosphere to cover over the occasional plotting issue, it dedicated itself to delivering classic chills with modern (read: 80s) scares. Carpenter’s direction, plus his magnificent score, plus mountains of tangible dread gave us the type of scares you’d get around a campfire as the waterlogged lepers of the Elizabeth Dane slowly advanced upon their victims with gaff hooks and boning knives.
In comparison, this new Fog ends up having all the personality of a shop front mannequin as it blindly retreads moments from the first film without a single, solitary clue about what made them scary in the first place.
While the original had a cast of character actors that included the likes of Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, Tom fuckin’ Atkins, Hal Holbrook and Janet Leigh, the 2005 version features an array of actors who end up blending into the background more than the transparent ghosts. Tom Welling may have his fans thanks to Smallville, but here he’s about as watchable as drying paint and twice as bland; similarly, Lost’s Maggie Grace is left to assemble the ragged strands of exposition while maintaining the exact, same facial expression throughout. Selma Blair at least looks like she’s having fun sexing up the local radio broadcasts from her lighthouse, but the movie repays her by giving her virtually nothing to do and the rest of the human faces end up being as lost in the jumble as trying to spot a single name in the end credit list of CGI animators in a Marvel movie.

Likewise, Captain Blake and his supernaturally pissed crew are now no longer hulking shadows in the fog, lashing out with various tools; no, now they’re actual transparent, skeletal ghosts who look like budget versions of the Army Of The Dead from Lord Of The Rings. Sure, they seem cooler on paper, but all the iffy visual effects in the world can hope to match the subtle threat of the inky silhouette of a red eyed Blake as he raises his sword in the air.
So, no scares and no good performances – but does The Fog at least look cool? Well, kinda. Big digital shots of the fog rolling in are certainly more impressive than the 80s attempts and a moment where little Andy flees the rolling mist as it makes landfall is one of the few moments that actually catch the imagination. But while certainly more spectacular (Dan the weatherman’s violent and fiery exit certainly has more bells and whistles than just getting stabbed with a hook), there’s nothing in the remakes vapid box of tricks that can even touch the eerie sight of John Houseman telling a ghost story in front of a bonfire.
And that’s the remake’s problem in a nutshell. In its attempt to copy what’s gone before, it forgets that at it’s root, all it’s supposed to be is a simple tale to chill the bones, not a messy potboiler with a forgettable cast that instantly blows its ambiance by playing Fall Out Boy on full blast. Not even the presence of John Carpenter and Debora Hill’s producer’s credits are enough to halt all of those negative issues as I strongly suspect the belligerent master of horror may have used to fog to escape the set with a large bag of money under his arm. I guess after all these years, he’s still the smart one.

At the end of the day, The Fog earns it’s nomination as the crown prince of pointless remakes by being a novocaine-dulled copy of a genuine classic that has almost nothing to endear it. The fact that it isn’t scary is regrettable, the fact that it’s boring is inexcusable. There’s nothing to see in this Fog. Please disperse.
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