Isn’t it curious how age can mellow you. When I first saw Thir13en Ghosts – poss1bly th3 worst us3 of numb3rs 1n a t1tl3 3v3r – back in 2001, I utterly despised the thing. The second attempt by Dark Castle Films to remake the films of William Castle after the pretty decent The House On Haunted Hill, Thirt13en Ghosts saw yet another surprisingly starry cast run up against yet another abode piled to the rafters with various, malevolent spooks looking to do far more harm that your average ghost.
But with a rather cool, pulpy, premise in its back pocket and a baker’s dozen of spirits to collect like pokémon, the directorial debut of Steve Beck seemed to torpedo any chance of fully utilising its potential thanks to the frenetic use of some very 2000s editing methods, that made the whole thing about as endearing as a migraine. Yet over the last few years, I’ve noticed more and more social media articles and posts maintaining that Thir13en Ghosts is actually some sort of misunderstood classic and is positively dying for a reapraisal. Is this true, or will thir13en prove to be unlucky for some – especially me?
We join proceedings as the eccentric and ruthless ghost hunter, Cyrus Kriticos, brings his vast fortune to bear as he and his various flunkies descend upon a junkyard to try and capture the savage spirit that reportedly dwells within. With highly strung psychic Dennis Rafkin in tow, the good news is that the team locates and traps a hulking, maniacal ghost known as the Juggernaut – but the bad news is that among the broken dead and the mangled dying lay a slain Cyrus.
A quick scene change introduces us to Cryrus’ nephew, Arthur (who basically looks the same age), but has been going though a rather turbulent time of it. A widower who never quite got over the death of his beloved wife in a fire, Arthur’s been struggling to make ends meet as he tries to raise young son Bobby and elder sister Kathy with help from sassy nanny, Maggie. Quite how a man in such financially dire straights can afford to hire a full-time nanny is never actually explained, but I guess it’s not going to be too much of a problem, because Arthur suddenly discovers that his uncle’s gruesome death means he’s not only inherited a lot of money, but Cryus’ unique, glass mansion too.
Yup, that’s right, I did say a glass mansion – but while Cyrus’ sleazy lawyer shows them around their bizarre new property, something dodgy is happening in the basement. All the etchings on the glass walls are actually spells used to keep errant ghosts in line and it turns out that the twelve, angry phantasms that Cyrus has sealed away under the house are suddenly released one by one as some ticking-clock mechanism springs into life. With the house sealed off, and the layout constantly shifting to form an impossible maze, can Arthur get his family to safety, even with the aid of a terrified Dennis? But what’s more, if Cyrus had captured twelve ghosts – who is going to be the thirteenth?
I don’t know if my advancing years has caused me to ease off a little when it comes to movies from the 2000s that seemed to think that scatty plotting and obnoxious editing were a good swap for genuine chills and suffocating dread. Just the other day I found myself well and truly entertained by the scattershot stylings of Renny Harlin’s impressively stupid psycho-thriller, Mindhunters. Well, following that, I still seem to be in the same, oddly forgiving mood as I pushed play on the erratic, excitable stylings of Thir13en Ghosts, and while I’d stop way short at agreeing that it’s a lost masterpiece, it’s far more fun than I remember it being at the time. Of course, that doesn’t mean there aren’t some rather sizable issues with it (which we’ll get into soon enough), but whether the good points outweigh the bad may be something of an issue.
Firstly, it’s a good thing that everyone seemingly has signed in for both a paycheck and to have some fun, as the movie certainly doesn’t give them much else to play with other than have them run around the genuinely impressive sets while screaming. Tony Shalhoub isn’t exactly the sort of guy you’d expect to be playing the hero in this sort of thing and he doesn’t get to add many layers to his sad dad character, but you can tell that he’s relishing a rare chance to run, jump and flee from monsters, while F. Murray Abraham has taken it upon himself to chew as much of that glass scenery as he possibly can as he twirls a metaphorical mustache as the human villain. Rah Digga fills the trash-talking-black-character-played-by-a-rapper role all horror films of this era insisted on having, and Shannon Elizabeth seems to be trying to expand on her American Pie fame with the added bonus of keeping her clothes on only to find that her character is a basic daughter in peril. It’s all incredibly basic stuff and as a bonus, Embeth Davitz manages to freak out everyone who loved her in Matilda as an advocate for ghost rights who meets a legitimately nasty end.
However, compared to the impressive sets (the glass ghost house that changes its floor plan at the drop of a hat is astounding) and it’s selection of ghostly supporting villains, the humans tend to fade more into the background than the titular spirits do – well, all except Matthew Lillard, who not only manages to furiously out-over act Abraham, but is the sole living character in the film who’s actually fun to watch. But while the varied ghosts are unfeasibly cool to look at thanks to their mangled designs, freaky special abilities and – I have to say it – sizable boobs, only about three or four of them actually do anything while the other just stand and leer. However, you can’t help but feel that if Thir13en Ghosts had proven to be a hit in this day and age, each of those ghosts – from the screeching Jackal, to the excessively nude Angry Princess – would each have gotten their very own cinematic spin-off. It’s to my genuine chagrin that that actually sounds perversely cool…
Coasting almost entirely on its procession of grisly ghouls, some truly eye-catching set design and at least one stand out gore sequence (bisection of the shit-head lawyer FTW!), Thir13en Ghost wastes most of its funky premise by not utilising its showy cast to it’s fullest and forcing us to sit through some of the most agonisingly jarring editing ever tolerated in a 2000s horror film. While I can buy why some would suggest that the second Dark Castle film is worthy of reapraisal, I personally think that while it’s certainly worth a giggle or two, it’s flaws makes it as about as see-through as that glass house.
Cool ghosts, awesome sets, nifty gore and the sight of Matthew Lillard going even crazier than usual (the guy must have needed a Tylenol after every take) aren’t quite enough to overcome the massive drawbacks of both a non-existent script and that fucking seizure-inducing editing. However, fans of kick-ass monster designs and naked ghosts that make you seriously question your turn-ons will find that Thir13en Ghosts puts the “boo” into boobs.
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