Be it via the numerous film versions that have some down the pipe over the years, or even from diligently watching every episode of Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds (IYKYK…), most of us a fairly well versed in the adventures of Alexandre Dumas’ quartet of sword twirling adventurers. However, even though there have been adaptations of their later tales, most of us are far more familiar with their origins as they stuck it to a sneering Cardanal Richelieu and saved France, than the events of The Vicomte Of Bragelonne: Ten Years Later.
After putting himself on the cinematic map by penning Braveheart, Randall Wallace opted to use his directorial debut to give as a more somber Musketeers story than what we’d been used too. While the most recent version at the time saw the likes of Disney lump together the likes of Chris O’Donnell, Kiefer Sutherland, Oliver Platt and Charlie Sheen, only five years later Walkace instead chose to match the heroes with their toughest foe yet… *checks notes* Erectile disfunction? Really?
The year is 1662, and France is finding itself in something of a bind due to the rampant mismanagement of King Louis XIV. While his wars with the Dutch drain the country’s purses dry, the callous king still lives in the lap of luxury, bedding a series of maidens while scores of men die in his name and citizens starve in the streets. While usually it would be up to the dashing skills of the Four Musketeers to step in a restore France’s honor with a bit of handy swordplay, we find the legendary quartet split and busy with very different loyalties. D’Artagnan is now head of royal security, but curiously defends his spiteful king against much more than just assassins. Elsewhere we find that the soulful Aramis has become a priest the life loving Porthos isn’t able to love life quite so much after decades of drinking and womanising and Athos is far more focused on rasing his son, Raoul, as he follows in his father’s footsteps to become a Musketeer.
However, when Louis gets designs on Raoul’s fiancée and has him sent off to war to fatally keep him out of the way, not only does D’Artagnan gave to protect his shitty king from the rage of Athos, but he starts to suspect that his other brothers in arms are plotting something too. That plot concerns prisoner number 64389000, a mysterious resident of the Bastille who has had his identity stripped away thanks to the iron covering that’s locked over his head, and as the three Musketeers embark on a mission that may finally liberate France from its ruler, they find that their greatest ally may be their most dangerous enemy.
But why is D’Artagnan so devoted to his crappy king – and would he really stand against his friends to defend such an obvious piece of merde?
There’s lots to admire about Randall Wallace’s The Man In The Iron Mask, especially as these days, the notion of the aging, broken hero is far more prevalent in film with the likes everyone from Luke Skywaker to Logan getting codas in their winter years. Not only does it add a noticable edge to characters who are usually shown laughing hysterically as they glibly lock swords with multiple opponents, the the stripping away of the layers of camp adventure allows the man who wrote Braveheart to get a fair amount of gravitas involved between the roguish facial hair and copious wigs. However, while a success upon release and certainly containing a fair few moments of “magnificent valour”, I’ve always felt like there’s something a little off with this 90s serving of derring do despite the fact that it’s got a cast more loaded than Porthos during happy hour.
The issue appears to be that while Wallace have assembled a cast worthy of past Musketeer ensembles, none of them look particularly comfortable in their roles and some don’t even look particularly like they want to be there. Maybe Wallace wanted the more dour tone to reflect a more sober and mature take on the normally more rambunctious heroes, but not only does it result in a take that retains the lush feel, buy none of the luster. Plus, it doesn’t help that it offers up the Musketeers as way past their prime despite only being in their mid-forties (yes, I know that being middle-aged in 1662 was no joke, but come on, Malkovich looks as strong as a damn horse), but the main issue I have is that virtually all of the leads look deeply uncomfortable in their roles and don’t even seem to be hiding it.
For a start, we once again turn our attention to that old Hollywood chestnut of accents – if no one here was willing to give a French accent a shot, that’s fair enough, but could they not at least have tried for English? Maybe no one could be bothered – Gabriel Byrne’s D’Artagnan blatantly sounds like he’s from that famous French province called Dublin – maybe Wallace didn’t want to rock the boat in his first directorial outing, but the fact that he’s cast numerous French actors in major roles such as Gérard Depardieu, Anne Parillaud and Judith Godrèche, it results in the accents being all over the shop when everyone else is speaking in American.
Beyond that, Malkovich looks constantly annoyed with his own wig, Jeremy Irons looks fairly bored, Byrne appears to be counting his paycheck in his head and Leonardo Dicaprio looks genuinely terrified in both of his duel roles as if he’s suddenly realised that playing a villain in a period adventure movie was a huge mistake. Of course, that last one is especially ironic considering how Dicaprio moves with the ladies these days, but unnecessary cheap shots aside, I’ve never seen the Musketeers lack so much chemistry.
However, whenever Wallace manages to nail what he’s aiming for, The Man In The Iron Mask proves to thrust and parry it’s way toward being fairly gripping. Depardieu in particular gets it, fighting like a lion to ensure that the comic relief concerning a floppy pee-pee and large amounts of unflattering nudity lands large. Similarly, once the film has worked its way through it’s lengthy preamble and turns into a heist film, it suddenly wakes up and moves with a fair amount of confidence that was previously lacking; and once all the multiple twists and shifts of allegiances takes hold it manages to keep that energy to the end.
Still, while there’s been better Musketeer movies, there’s certainly been worse ones too, and despite the fact that a sizable number of the cast seem to be wincing visibly at trying to convincingly utter “one for all and all for one” out loud, this darker take eventually finds its feet. However, while it’s aims are admirable, maybe next time cast Musketeers who look like they actually enjoy each other’s company, yeah?
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